I don't think you're an anomaly. Maybe collectively, as a group, we're all an anomaly? That would just make us folks who take a less traveled path, no?
I'm not here to judge anyone for what choices they make in regards to dating. It's a very personal choice, and I think, done the right way, can work out.
That being said, I chose the path you're on. I have trust issues galore anyway, and I decided to put myself in therapy last year for 5-6 months. It was helpful. I *thought* that my trust issues were getting in the way of my happiness. Well, they certainly were influencing how I chose to engage with people, but they weren't the cause of how I felt.
What's the saying... "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you don't have a reason to be"???? Well. For me, the trust issues were valid. And I discovered through this counseling that my expectations were probably not in line with those I choose to trust. This doesn't mean others are untrustworthy. It just meant that our expectations were different, and the communications needed to be shored up. Oh, and I had to give myself the blessing to see others the way I saw them and not as others wanted me to perceive them.
If that makes sense.
I allowed others around me to tell me that I was isolating myself from others, and that my trust issues were getting in the way of me dating. Although I really didn't think that was the problem, I let them get into my head a little, and it took time and effort to sort through those things. TED talks helped.
I CHOSE not to date when my kids were younger. Again, this is not a judgment against those who do. But I knew myself well enough to say that I would have regrets for not enjoying their childhood, adolescence and teen years as much if I was focused on myself. I knew that I would have regrets if I missed something special because I was involved with someone else.
It doesn't make it wrong. But being off the bike for as long as I was, my relationship skills with prospective dates got rusty. I just got used to not dating and not putting myself out there because I was living the life I chose to live. It was a choice and not an accident. I deliberately acted on what I felt was the right thing to do, and I have zero regrets about making that choice. My oldest turns 22 in 2 weeks, and I am so very glad I stayed involved with her (and her sister) every step of the way. My role with them is different now, but I'm really proud of the woman she's become and even my XH is happy to tell me that it's because of my efforts and sacrifices that it worked out this way.
I'm definitely not saying I had a say in the final outcome - because my D21 is a very determined person, and she takes responsibility for her own choices, but therein was the ground work I had to construct. It took a lot of effort on my part - the words were only scratches on the surface - because in order for her to trust me, I had to walk that talk. EVERY.STEP.OF.THE.WAY. She constantly observed me, and if I had made a misstep, she'd have called me out and all would have been lost.
I prefer to think that I had some sort of divine guidance in how this played out. Fortunately for me, when she and I went to loggerheads, her dad was there to be the person she could talk to... since I was clearly the bad cop in her life. Because I was a complete a*hole to my mom as a teen, I knew it would die out at some point. I just had to put in my time until our issues resolved themselves. And yes, I found out that I was not perfect, I make mistakes, I needed to grow as much as she did, and I had to own my mistakes verbally.
I couldn't have done that if I had been focused on dating or even a more serious relationship. I'm just wired that way. It's why I gave up applying to med school back when. I knew I couldn't do it all, and I also knew which path would make me happier. A career is important to me, but a family is more important to me. Again, a conscious decision.
BTW, if it makes you feel better, my D18 got the norovirus on a plane back east for Thanksgiving that landed her in the hospital. It started a violent chain reaction in my entire family. It was awful. Apparently, it's airborne and extremely contagious. I had a horrible time with it myself. Awful. Glad you're feeling better.
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I'll spare you the details, but he spends a lot of time trying to convince them what a great guy he is. He seems to want their good opinion so badly - and that seems like it will lead to a rocky road at some point.
As someone who has lived through this experience, yes. Yes, it will. Those little brains are cataloging the disparate nature of the truth vs what he tells them is the truth. And you don't have to worry about pointing this out. Just keep your course and they will undoubtedly call him out on things. My D21 didn't call her dad out on lots of stuff, but the stuff that really bugged her? You bet she did. And there were times when I knew her truth hurt him badly. There really are natural consequences for this path they chose. I hope that doesn't mean total alienation. So do what you can to bridge that outcome?
Hope your drains went well yesterday....
Zew, I just moved into a townhouse that was previously inhabited by hoarding, filthy pigs. (That's the nicest thing I could say about them.) When I moved in, it was obvious which master sink the woman used... and needless to say, there was a bad odor and it didn't drain, and it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why. I was just avoiding it until I couldn't avoid it anymore. I was loathe to pull the hair out myself, and fortunately for me, the procrastination worked out. There is this industrial strength drain remover sold at Walmart in a half gallon red bottle in the home maintenance section (not the grocery section with the other drain cleaners). It's called Instant Power Hair Clog Remover. Follow the instructions and you'll get results. Follow up note: let the hot water run for at least 3 minutes after letting it work overnight. The smell is gone and so is the clog. Happy times for me!
Love those youtube how to videos. I fixed my carpet shampooer that way. I was totally proud of myself for that.
Anyhoo, hope this offers some level of comfort. While I miss companionship, I have a life that I like. My goal for 2016 is to make more friends here. I want a good friend network before I endeavor other relationships.
Have a healthy week!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
