I'm new here but have been lurking off and on for months now and am just feeling spent, drained, hopeful then hopeless. Patient than impatient. Like giving up but then not (especially when people tell me to just move on and get over it). Consistent then inconsistent. Long story short:
H and I have been together for 8 years, married 4. He left me in August after saying he hasn't been happy for over a year. A week after he left me, he came back and said he had an affair with a coworker and that it had been over for a few months. But I never believed that, and I still don't now. He was adamant about not coming back home but hadn't yet brought up D to me or his family. Months went by and it was agonizing as he would come visit and we were slowly spending more time together. During this time, H said he was still open to talking about things, going to counseling and that he hasn't yet given up, but he was also not fully committed to reconciling so he remained distant even while we would spend time together. He finally agreed to come to a counseling session with me and said it was helpful, seemed overall positive about it and even suggested that we keep going after the holiday. Well, we went away to his family's home for Thanksgiving and he said he would be coming home before the end of the year.
Fast forward a 1.5weeks later, he came over one night and said he would not be coming home, he was just pretending, his heart isn't in it and that we would eventually be getting a D. Our anniversary happened to be a few days after that I did not receive a call/text AT ALL on that day from him. Christmas came and went with just a text asking how I was doing and on New Years', radio silence. I haven't seen him since then, and we have barely spoken if nothing but about finances and him telling me what I should be doing to find another place to live. When we do interact, I do my very best to keep things light, humorous, and surface. However, if I manage to get him on the phone, something comes over me and I feel annoyed and anxious b/c he refuses to talk to me about anything and dismisses me. I've been prayerful, faithful, and basically GAL/LRTing all this time and it seems like he is just steadfast in his resolve. And then I get so upset with myself b/c I slip up and have to start all over again. I have a DB coach who doesn't necessarily think that going dark for too long periods of time b/c he seems to come around after awhile of my darkness. Communication has been increasing extremely slowly by me following DB coaches insight and suggestions however, I had a slip-up last night and basically said things that negate all the work I'v done. I'm just so pissed with myself, feeling hopeless and discouraged again and don't know what to do.
Has anyone had or is in a similar situation with tips on how to remain consistent when it's hard, getting back on track and staying cool in the face of rejection?
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
