WAW - Marching to the D

[isittoolate]

Hi Sotto - thanks for checking on me - the talk was yesterday and a little exhausting so I didn't post.

Sat: I went to my friends flat to have a look - it was disappointing as its really is very small and unsuitable for my boys to stay over. The whole flat is too small and though it would be cheap and cost effective short term solution I feel that it's too far of a step down from my 4 bedroom detached house. It feels like student accommodation - 

The R talk was on Sunday after my GAL activity - a 58 mile cycle ride with the local club! I wasn't going to miss that!

I stated my position that W would get a letter from my L - saying that I intended to separate and would like W to halt  D proceedings in the interim to give time and space for reflection. My decision to separate would be non-binding i.e. I could change my mind depending on W's position and taking into consideration the financial implications.

Inevitably this led to deep and long R talk about all aspects of separation and D. Especially the financial split and a little about assets split and the kids.

W is off a mind to go straight to D and sell our house and downsize as she thinks that separating and waiting a year would leave her worse off financially and only benefit me.
Remortgaging (buying me out) would leave her with too much debt to cover and little savings. I think her argument is flawed and with a few cutbacks she could do it.

I  reasoned (without pressure) that if we separate the financial position would be similar after one year. A chunk of the mortgage would be paid off with the house value going up a little - which we then share. She could still sell after one year as another option.
She is  thinking that the house value goes up and then she will just have more debt to cover by remortgaging.

It's complicated and without carefully going through the maths it's difficult to workout which would be best for her.

She hasn't really thought it through or thought about how I would afford to separate. There are only 3 furnished properties in our small city for rent, and furnishing a 2bed apartment would cost £3/4000.

She does seem aggrieved that I will get half 'her savings' although for the last 11 years most of my savings have gone to the boys University funds - approx £20,000 - she has saved about £5000 for them. Yes she does earn more than I do, and saves more, and has spent more of 'her' savings on family holidays etc but I have proportionally saved just as much.

She did say that she wished that she had given me an ultimatum before going to her L. In other words if I didn't leave the house she would seek a D immediately.  But now that L's are involved I think she will go with the advice of her L.

Also at one stage she really hurt me by asking 'What is in it for you?' - I gave her a truth dart. 

'You asked me what was in it for me' ' well there is nothing in it for me....I lose my marriage, my wife, my home, my family, time with the boys, and some financial security.....there is nothing in it for me!'

This hit home and she apologised saying she didn't mean it to come out that way. She apologised repeatedly.

At various stages she tried to hug me, the first time I refused but she got upset so I relented.

She weeped a bit at times as well.

She also thanked me for being so nice all week and for being collaborative, open minded, and flexible.

She also said that last Monday she missed me - I was working away in London two nights. No expectations but she needs to miss me more!!

At the end she said she would consider all that we had talked about and I said I would continue to look for somewhere to rent.

I need to move out regardless of what she decides - and just get financial agreements as to how we pay the rent and bills for two properties. 

She wants to pay all the bills on our property if I pay all the bills on the rental. I want to add all the bills from both properties together and divide the bills proportional to our income. I did the maths and either way is very similar.

We ended the day by her cooking my meal and us watching the movie 'Beasts of No Nation' starring Idris Elba (brutal but very very good). She was tense so I gave her a shoulder rub - probably shouldn't have but I think it helped us both.