WW hope to reconcile

[Squiggy]

Julie, we're in a agreement. My viewpoint is that he shouldn't go freely offering everything up to her all the time. That doesn't negate responding to questions asked. It's more about Jim setting boundaries and not letting his WAW control him.

I didn't say to stonewall his W. I definitely agree with you on that point. Even when I was at my angriest, I didn't stonewall my W. I went with the minimum necessary rule regarding S6. She was aware of all important things, if she needed to be, such as doctor's visits, bruises, etc. Otherwise, he could tell her we went with me to the park or museum. If she asked, I would say Yep. We had a great time there, and he did awesome.

[J5K]

Julie,

Understood.

Now on to the next question.

Kids want to buy mom a necklace and ring for V day. I have no issue doing that and getting them the gift to give her. Even though she has a heart necklace from OM who "wants to date her".

How do I handle this?

Did not get a response for the flowers I sent and will not expect anything for the rind and necklace from the boys.

Just going to be a good dad.

[J5K]

Went this morning to talk to S6's teacher and vice principal and social worker. They gave me the run down on S6s behavior. More issues than I thought. Need to come up with a plan to help him.

I need to change things in the household to get the boys used to what they were doing before. Time to find a nanny instead of daycare and make sure the boys go to school on the bus and come home on the bus.

Yesterday the daycare center said that W called to put her on the email list that communicates the status of S2 and S4. Not sure if that is good or bad but glad she now wants to know how they are doing.

As for me, decided to stay the course and let the D play out and will stay in Michigan for a bit. Enough change has gone on that I don't want to have the boys endure more at this time.

There is still hope and maybe W will choose to still build the house in Toronto and live there on her own. We will see if she wants all of us to move there with her. Time will tell, but it will have to be all 6 of us.

[J5K]

W calls me twice today.

First call at 11:30 am and says that she really just wanted a break and space from me. She says she does not want to go through with the D but does not know how to stop it at this point. She is worried for the boys since their behavior is going the opposite direction. She was concerned about us because of the NC on Sunday. She asked again who was watching the boys and I told her the name of the friend of ours and she was like "oh, why didn't you say that in the first place"? She asked why I did not want to speak with her and I told her I was not in a good place at the time.

W calls a second time and says that she wants to reconcile and is willing to go to MC both here in Michigan and Toronto.

She stated she has seen change in me. I listen more and hear her.

She says she has 4 things she would like to see changed.

1. Quit Smoking.

Told W that I would like her to be supportive instead of getting upset. She said she understood and agreed we would find a way to support.

2. Proof that job transfer is coming.

Told her that I was committed to moving as I have stated earlier but cannot control the time frame. She said she understood and would like us to move as a family in to the new house being built.

3. Address issues face to face with her instead of running away.

She felt like I would stay at work to avoid issues or go off and do errands so that we would not discuss the R problems. I validated and said that I understood her point of view on this.

4. Make time for her and I and have work life balance. She felt last three years I was off working and did not make time for family and her. I travelled and she was alone with no support the first year and then things increased in responsibility as we added to the family.

I also stated that I need to see actions from her in order to move forward with this. She agreed that she would come back once she knew that we have a transfer date for work.

She asked how we can stop D and we agreed that we send email to Ls at the same time when she comes this week to pick up the boys for visit.

I have other things to address with her such as the EAs with OMs and getting her to commit to a date she will come back.

I don't feel excited about this at all. I am very skeptical that this is potentially manipulation tactics.

I plan on suggesting we put something in writing if this goes south and she and I cannot rebuild the R so we can go our separate ways.

Moving forward with a little hope and a lot of caution.

[Squiggy]

I'm dying to respond to you. Give me about an hour to get to my laptop and not this phone.

[Squiggy]

Ok....Took a bit longer than I hoped. W is pregnant and sick. Needless to say, S6 and I got her set up and then escaped for a little bit to a fun PlayPlace McDonald's to give her a good break.

You validating her concerns was great. Keep doing this. She is giving you a list of 180s to work on, and your responses matched them very well. Make sure you visibly do the work.

I also stated that I need to see actions from her in order to move forward with this.

Careful with this. As of yesterday your W was in a place where she thought she could do no wrong in this sitch. Do not push her away with making demands. It's ok if these come out as boundaries, such as when I told my W what transparency was when I stated it or when I said that I would only work on R if she went to Retrouvaille with me. One step at a time.

She agreed that she would come back once she knew that we have a transfer date for work.

She asked how we can stop D and we agreed that we send email to Ls at the same time when she comes this week to pick up the boys for visit.

I know you've been on the fence about the move. Are you fully ok with it? Same with stopping the D? Not telling you what to do. Just making sure.

I have other things to address with her such as the EAs with OMs and getting her to commit to a date she will come back.

Once again, don't push unless this a boundary. Furthermore, you really need to consider how much you need/want to know. I still do not know the total full details of my W's A. I don't need it. Others do.

I don't feel excited about this at all. I am very skeptical that this is potentially manipulation tactics.

Now to the part that gave me a red flag. You are going to be scared and suspicious, sure. I'd expect it, especially with the magical turn around your W gave today. It took me a couple weeks of temperature checking to start believing my W after she said it the first time (the first was not a full commitment). You need to watch for her taking action before giving her the full run of the farm.

I plan on suggesting we put something in writing if this goes south and she and I cannot rebuild the R so we can go our separate ways.

Did this come from your L? If not, this is very pushy and, depending upon her, enough for her to change her mind again.

Moving forward with a little hope and a lot of caution.

Yes. This. I know how badly you've wanted this. This is not a time for rash action, giving her the keys to the castle, or demanding everything all at once. If you guys are truly moving into Piecing, it will be just as delicate as the first part of your journey. To quote Wonka when I got into Piecing: "Don't stop DBing (or I will kill you)". Parentheses added for my interpretation of her words.

[JulieH]

Lots of stuff going on wow..

The only thing I can respond to now is the gift. If your kids want to buy mom a gift. Help them pick out a kid appropriate gift. Like a rainbow PLASTIC necklace. Something that a kid obviously picked out. Or have them make candy necklaces or buy a kit they can create a necklace with. I certainly would not buy a fine piece of jewelry for your wife at this time.

[shreeve]

I'm pretty happy to see this Jim. I think you are right to proceed cautiously. Yes, a ton of work ahead, but seems like DB worked right? And Squiggy, where can I see your initial story?

[Phoebe]

This sounds very encouraging. I know that things are very delicate right now, but it sounds like some real progress.

I'm particularly interested to hear how you consider deciding how to live in the same location again. My H and I are 5 hours apart right now, and that distance has really kind of put a hold on any real sense of progress. It allowed him to retreat to his corner and leave me in mine with almost no contact. It sounds like there are other parallels, as well, so your situation resonates with me. I wish you all the best.

[JulieH]

Squiggly

I have a question regarding reconciliation that would be helpful to me as well.

A poster said to me that reconciliation should be more about communication, validation, and hearing one another out. Mediation is more about following lists of demands.

when you reconciled was there a list of compromises/demands that you each brought to the table? Is this a healthy way to reconcile a relationship or does it become a way of control and ultimatums for both parties?

There is something uncomfortable about it to me. Like my husband saying to me we can't reconcile unless you go back to work full time. (He hasn't said this yet but I think he might)