I was going crazy as well. My heart was telling me there was no possible way she would do that to me, but in my gut I knew the truth.
I was going crazy trying to figure out why things weren't getting better between us. I was working so hard on myself, she could see those changes but she couldn't open up to me because her needs were being filled by someone else.
When I finally had definitive conformation and absolute proof of the A, I felt a wide range of emotions. I was very upset, obviously, but it also gave me a sense of peace because I knew I wasn't crazy at that point.
Does that make sense?
It allowed for the power balance to even out in my case. It allowed me to not look at myself as a lesser than and it gave me the confidence that I needed to really truly fight to maintain my boundaries that I was setting.
Our gut instinct is rarely wrong..
this is what I did:
1) figured out who that person was, what he did, where he worked, and if he was married.
2) then I confronted W only when I had some very specific knowledge.
2a) I let her dig her own hole. I played it up like I knew way more than what she was telling me... she wanted to get it off her chest so bad, once the gates opened, I knew way more than wanted to know.
3) I didn't beat around the bush... I told her that I knew about her and OM... She denied it at first, but I just kept telling her that I knew and that I knew a lot more than what she's saying, and that I wasn't going to tell her how...
4) Probably the best thing I did was remain totally calm. It was difficult at first, but I didn't allow myself to get dragged into a fight. I remained calm.
5) After I had confirmed the A, I left the house and gave myself time to process the entire situation. like hours. I decided that there was nothing I had done that warranted being treated in that way. Not only was I being cheated on, I was being disrespected in my own home in front of my children.
I didn't feel guilty at all for asking her to leave about a month before (she ended up moving downstairs).
6) When I got home, I talked with W. She initially tried to put it back on me. I just told her that I was unhappy in the M too, but I didn't go and have an A (not said angrily, BTW, just staring facts).
I told her I was going to meet with a L the next day and try to figure out what my options are, but that for right now I was completely content with the current living arrangement.
-end-
I understand what people are saying about that knowledge being painful, but for me knowledge is power. It allowed me to take W off of the pedestal I'd put her on. I felt like it put us on even footing because I wasn't willing to be walked on anymore.
I think the real answer is in you as a person. Will the knowledge give you that ability to really "let go" or will it just give you more questions?
