REALLY trying to detach...but GALing regardless!#3

[- MB -]

Zues, as for my marriage, it had problems that had gone on for way too long. I am married to a man that is a bit of a control freak and insanely jealous. He wants control of everything and most of all ME. I am not someone that wants to be controlled which caused lots of problems. He would get mad if I went anywhere, talked to anyone, touched my phone (even just to play a game), etc. He would constantly ask me question after question and I would answer him, but he would always tell me I was lying or it "just doesn't sound right." It got to where he wouldn't just TALK to me, I always felt like I was being grilled. He had anger issues and I think he resented me for, well for everything! He always wanted me to think he was superior to me...would tell me everything I owned was crap and heverything he had was perfect. His kids were perfect and he would point out any problem (real or made up) with my kids. He treated his kids better than mine. He chose their side over me every time. Never wanted to go anywhere or do anything with me, and would always give a "reason" on how it was my fault he would say no. Everything was always MY fault. He picked fights with me constantly, then would say that it was my fault because I like to fight (I hate fighting!!!). It got to the point where I just couldn't let my kids see someone treat me that way and just accept it. So, I told him I was going to move out. He begged me to stay. Promised he would change. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I stayed. Nothing changed. About 6 months later, I told him again I was going to move out. He got mad and asked me to stay. I rented an apartment, but stayed for another month before I moved out. I really didn't want to leave him, but he just kept on complaining and griping every day because it was just hanging over his head I guess. So, I moved out. He agreed and we went to counseling for about 3 months. He would be better after an appointment, but by the next week it had "worn off" and his anxiety and anger were through the roof again. He made a few VERY SMALL changes right at the beginning that lasted about a week and a half. During that time, he asked me to come back. I acknowledged his changes and told him that I just needed him to show me that the changes were going to last more than a week, then I would come home. He took that as total rejection. He immediately stopped the changes he had made and never tried again. Every time it was brought up, he would say that "I tried, but you said it wasn't good enough for you." UGH! That's not what I said! I would explain till I was blue in the face, he never budged from that. So, 4 years later, he will still make that stupid comment that is NOT TRUE and he never tried again nor did he ask me to move back in again. Over the past 2 years I have told him 3 different times that I wanted to move back home. He basically told me that if I thought it was bad before, it would be worse now because now he doesn't trust me at all. Also said that every decision to be made would be his alone and that I would never have access to his bank account or money again. What idiot would sign up for that? I took that as a NO. I actually think he wanted me to move back in, but he just had to have it be his way on his terms so he would feel like he had control over it.

I think he's just a very insecure person that has always felt inferior to everyone. I think he always tried to make everyone else feel like they weren't worth anything so he could puff his chest up and feel superior to them. He had a rough childhood and I think he just doesn't have any idea how to get past it. I think he has a low opinion of women in general but just won't admit it. I also think that when he left his job to move to be with me, I think the stress started his MLC. Then, as other events happened, it just pushed him further into it (me moving, his kids graduating, his dad getting sick, and finally kids moving out). I honestly feel like a lot of the anger issues he was having was from his MLC.

My part in the breakdown of the marriage and what could I have done differently? I allowed my codependent behaviors to turn me into his doormat and cause him to loose respect for me. I didn't have clear boundaries and still don't My H was very insecure. I felt like every day he would test me to see if I loved and cared about him by accusing me of whatever. I would then have to deny it because if I didn't, then it had to be true. Once I denied it, he would feel better till the next day. I think better communication skills might have helped me with that. I didn't learn until WAY LATER that what I was saying and what made sense to me was not what he was hearing. I didn't realize that everytime I had a different opinion than he did, he was hearing me tell him that he was lying, I didn't believe him, I thought he was stupid, not good enough, etc. So many things that, if I had known, I could have said differently and it could have made a difference. Instead of getting mad about his controlling behavior, I could have tried harder to find a way to diffuse the situation. I think it would have made a huge difference if I just hadn't moved out! I think I could have made him feel more appreciated and needed. VALIDATION at that point would have been awesome, but I didn't have those DB skills yet. So many communication errors! Eventually, I just really needed to get my kids out of that situation though....and, I just needed some peace in my life.

I know it probably doesn't sound like I'm taking much responsibility, but I really have tried to be open, honest, loving, and all of that. I have tried to help him with his issues by being loving and supportive, going to counseling, making Dr appointments for him to get AD that he won't take, reasoning and explaining things to him until he makes me think I'm the crazy one. I let him pile all the blame on me for everything and I just tried to fix it. I'm quiet, easy going and allowed him to run all over me while I tried to get everyone to just get along. My poor IC really has his work cut out for him! Not sure how he's going to help me fix myself, but hopefully he will figure it out!

If anyone is still reading this, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm trying to save this. The thing is, he wasn't like this before. I know he's troubled and frustrated and taking it out on me. But, this isn't how he was. I am hoping that when he works through his MLC and stops blaming me and making me the bad guy, that he will be the person that I married instead of this angry resentful cheating person that he has become.