surrealism is not my style

[ciluzen]

So, Zues, I did some thinking. Some very painful thinking. One of the things H had said was that he had felt for a long time that I didn't like him. So I tried very hard to go way back when thinking about my behavior towards him...and I am ashamed of what I have come to realize.
I guess what I ended up doing last night was taking things he's said over the years and coming up with "his story" from his lips, his voice. No mind reading, believe it or not.

H is speaking.

I tried so hard to make her happy. She complained about being a SAHM, but didn't appreciate how hard I worked to allow that. The women I work with would love to have that opportunity.

She didn't enjoy the house we had on a lake...wanted her own house, not a rental. But I loved the lake, the fun, the neighbors, the location. I cried when we left.

I knew she loved horses and found her a horse, but she didn't want to board it. She wanted to have a house to keep it at. So I paid an architect that we liked to design our dream home. But I kept trying to find a place to just buy because I'd watched my parents build their home and didn't want to go through the stress or cost. She just kept saying, "we can do this!" even though I told her it scared me to death.

We built the house and then she complained about our neighbors, and how she couldn't make friends, and how the school functioned. She hardly ever rode the horses. She became very controlling and overly involved with the children. She was so worried about what people thought of her that if I showed signs of affection at school or sports functions, she pushed me away and told me to stop.

She doesn't like me or appreciate me.

I really enjoy the people I work with...they are like family now. I thought Ciluzen liked them, too. We've even become close to their friends and our group ski trips, group camping trips, and get togethers are so much fun! But my wife is not happy. She doesn't want to go ski much anymore, even if I ask her to just come up and read in the lodge so she can be with us. She has started complaining about how I don't pay attention to her in a group...but I enjoy having fun with everyone!

She just doesn't like anything about me. I need to make myself happy...despite how she feels.

Now she watches me like a hawk when I'm around other women. If I smile too much at them, she waits til everyone is gone and attacks me...tells me everything I did wrong...how she feels. She cries and makes me feel awful. Every time I try to have fun.

I work too hard to be treated like this when I'm trying to relax.

I come home to hear her fighting with the kids about homework. She tries to put healthy food in front of me...I don't always like it and tell her, but then she just prepares it differently the next time and asks me if I like it now. I don't like it! And she chatters on and on about inane stuff or kids I don't know, or high school gossip...I've had people talking all day to me. I want to relax! She never listens to me!

She doesn't like me.

I take 2 weeks off to organize a great vacation with friends and family, and once again, I don't pay enough attention to her. She confronts me on vacation and ruins it for me. Just ruins it. That is the last time I will take her with me on vacation. I'll go with friends. And now I come home from vacations to more tears and fighting. What's the point?

No matter what I do to try to be happy, she will cry about how it hurts her.I don't want to hurt her, but I want to be happy.

I know its going to be a problem, but I found a great deal on a vacation property.I have some friends and family to share the cost. I'm getting it, no matter what she says.
Now its every weekend...she shuts herself in the room at the property because...I don't know or even care why. I always go check on her and there's tears and things I did wrong. I try to make it up to her, but its getting really difficult. I'm drained.

She's jealous of my friend. This friend is...a friend. She's fun and brings great people into my life. She's busy and has a lot of things to talk about. I love having people in my life. I love big groups.The more the merrier. But why do I have to suffer for upsetting my W every time!? Why can't she just try to have fun? Now she says none of these people are her friends, they're all mine! Well, I make an effort! I call and text and push the get togethers! Why can't she just appreciate all she has? All I have given her?

I have a lot of stress in my life and I don't need this. My W has not been able to come up to the vacation home due to our D's wedding prep, and it has been peaceful and fun. The few times she did come up? Same issues.

I don't care anymore. I'm done. I don't need her. She doesn't like me. I can't make her happy. I don't think I like her anymore. She doesn't need to change because I'm done.I'm sure there is some guy out there for her that she will enjoy, but its not me. She hasn't liked me in a long time.


So, there you go, Zues. Not sure if this M is salvagable. I've been making changes, but for him to trust that I now know how bad my behavior was and actually do it? That's a big leap of faith for him. I have emotionally tortured him, without fully realizing it, for years.

I do love him, and very much like him. But my behavior, which was awful, appeared to say the opposite. My feelings about myself and where I should be and who I should be, made me act out. Sorry, at this point, doesn't quite cut it.