When the goal is positivity

[Zues126]

This:

I will promise not to take action without discussion and warning and reflection.

Is a faint echo of what I wrote. It misses the point. It is making a statement, but it isn't recognizing and validating the underlying needs. You don't reference that part of it at all, the part I said was paramount, all you do is disagree and explain you can't do that because a nitpick with a part of the statement about quality of life. You're really fighting this one.

If quality of life will suffer, rewrite what I said in a way that you can agree with. Maybe something like "we can work together to minimize impact on our quality of life". But it involves recognizing what he is saying, showing him that by repeating it back to him in your own words, then honoring what he's saying by using collaborative language ('we', 'our').

I have also talked about using things you're angry at him about as a way to find your own wounds so you can slowly start healing. For example, the way you talk about him having an affair, and how angry you'd be...you seem pretty quick to accept this as 'the way you are' without digging in to see what is off. Oh, sure, everyone would be upset and angry about an affair, but NOT everyone would react the way you are (and the fixation on it). So this is a chance for you to try to explore where this is hurting you more than it hurts others, why you're sensitive there, work with IC to heal there, then whallah, find out that you can actually hear your H when you're not in burning pain all the time, and maybe you can be pleasant to live with too. Or you can just bury it and say "there's no issue here" and blame it on H for doing things that make you angry.

It's very ironic that I'm feeling completely unheard and dismissed when I'm writing pages about how to meet his need to heard. I feel like I'm literally telling you the words that you can say to save your M and you're dismissing the bulk of it, finding areas to nit pick, and refocusing on imaginary problems. The reason I doubt H is in an affair is because how he is telling you he feels matches almost perfectly only on a larger scale. I am over 18 months post BD and 2 months post D and have NO desire to date another woman for similar reasons to what your H said. Not all men cheat, after endless fighting and bickering I could see him valuing peace and quiet more than a fling.