Two things really resonated recently in this thread, and I hope I'm not derailing anything by sharing my thoughts and situation...
My WAW has not had an affair, physical or emotional, to my knowledge, so I get that's quite different. I understand Sandi's disagreement with the Frustration Revolt article as I too hope I would not just roll over in the face of an affair, and Si_07 it reads like you're making the best of a bad situation (i.e. not rolling over), and my heart goes out to you...
What did resonate about that article is that my WAW has acknowledged my changes over last few months, and also said that it made her angry in that why couldn't I have changed sooner. We've also had a couple of arguments recently, and she's quick to point out "See that's why we're not compatible..." and admitting that yes her tone is perhaps harsher because she's not interested in our R. The article resonates because I've felt those recent arguments went better than over last couple of years (no yelling; no one walking out; effort to actually get to completion though not necessarily agreement, i.e. a healthy R argument), and I'm seeing both the pain from the past, which is helping me focus on what to work on in myself, AND I'm seeing what appears to be conflict in her relative to liking the changed me BUT actively trying to shut those feelings down because they conflict where her hypothesis that I'm worth walking away from...
Maybe I'm just supersensitive these days, but it feels like whenever our arguments are going better she feels compelled to throw out "so that's what's broken in our R" and/or say something like "and that's how what you did ruined it for the kids" to almost provoke anger from me... Probably just shows I need to detach more, but its so hard when it feels like things are getting somewhat better (and I start to re-attach), and then get pushed back...
I see that it aligns with the WAS behavior and the mantra here of believe nothing she says and 50% of what she does. Maybe its the wording of that article echoing WAS that's sounding right to me, and trying to see if there's a better strategy on how to handle these "active push backs" as I continue to challenge her belief I'm some bad person...
The other point I wanted to share was part of Si_07 mention of cooking and inviting friends over as part of 180. I too have been doing more housework, socializing, etc. as part of my GAL, and as part of one of these recent arguments with my W she expressed annoyance over my doing more with one of these household chores as she felt she had built an area of expertise there (I heard as comfortable space of her own) and somewhat resented my intruding into that space. She did NOT want me to stop doing those chores - part of my past bad behavior of "well if you don't like how I do it, do it all your self" :-( - so I'm making sure for both as part of my personal improvement and as part of showing her I'm committed to these changes to keep doing it.
Just sharing as maybe part of your W's behavior is this push back / resentment behavior of you doing things that had been her sole domain...
That does feel like a hard part of these 180s. Many of these divisions of labor built up over time are part of the resentment - "why is doing XYZ always my job" - but that could create a comfort zone for them so when you start doing more of your share (because its NOT their sole job) you've taking away a comfort zone forcing them to deal with what is an appropriate R balance...
Si_07, I'm pulling for you. It is all so confusing, and it sounds like you're doing your best. Stay strong, and please keep sharing as your story is helping me (and I'm sure others) think through their situations, and I hope I can provide you some help back...
