Saturday slept in, went to do some fun shopping with wife at fishing store, to look for ice fishing poles, close-out deals and the like. Went to lunch and the gym. Saturday night we went out dancing with the a local groups of parents. Had a wonderful time out. For to socialize, no pressure for anything more than a good time.
Sunday i went to the shooting range with a buddy. Got home did the homeowrk thing with the boys. Hit the gym. Grocery shopping then came hime watched a good chunk of the super bowl.
A normalish weekend. The meaty stuff :
When at the gym we had a talk about having people over, we rarely ever entertain. I was all for it. Wife said that the first floor bathroom could use some work to make it look a little better, because it never got finished.
We were heading out to the car when her mood changed. She was in a defensive posture asking me what was wrong. I didnt think anything WAS wrong so i said so. When we got in car heading over to grocery store...she was upset basically called me out on 'my mood' and how she should not have to feel guilty for asking for something to be finished. I know i am leaving stuff out here. (Funny but it almost felt like 'nagging' crazy but she hasnt done that for a few years. When she would nag i always got defensive and pissed because of the same old crap, with silent contract not being fulfilled and my expectations not being met, maybe a good time to send her the video ted talks on unmet expectations ).
I have had this sort of interaction earmarked as something to work on for a while...and i muffed it, well sort of i guess. We shall see how things pan out. I did not get a sense of anger from her at all last night. We even spent time together hanging a painting she had won at a fishing thing a few weeks ago.
The key was i had to look at the interaction. I felt legitimate guilt because i had never finished and things had gotten worse over the years since that project should have been completed.
When we got back in the car to go home i took a few moments to share my thoughts on the interaction. I said that i had felt guilt when we were talking about sprucing things up and it clearly showed through. I validsted her position. I apologized for withdrawing, and said to her that if i had made her feel guilty for expressing something that she wanted that just wasnt right, and truely was not my intent. She even said that she wanted to help. It sounded like she thought i was angry when it was me internalizing inadequacy of not getting another project done. I told her i was happy to get that space updated as it needed it. i did have some things to figure out and would be glad to have her help.
She went on and told me she understood all that i have done. Talked about her pulling back with helping out, and me having to take the brunt while she was finishing schools over 2.5 years. All the activities i did with the kids, etc.
So they do see it guys, even if it is not mentioned or recognized . It is there.
Maybe not picture perfect as i am still learning how to openly exprese myself, but it is a good example of how truely transparent we are to our spouse who know us as well as we know ourselves. Maybe it was a little of that and a little bit of her expecting a certain response from me...when she saw somerhing just assumed it was anger and went from there. Needs to be something different from me, not same old withdrawn bitter prick. That is the nugget i need to work on.
So otherwise, wife has been sharing with conversation more and more. Topics have even started to be a tad more personal, nothing deep. It is something of a start.
). 