When the goal is positivity

[Zues126]

I am always suspicious of a walk away spouse...but I also live my life based on the information I have. There were 3 months I didn't know XW was wayward. I operated with the knowledge that she MIGHT be, but I behaved based on what I actually knew. I'll never regret doing that. Look, if he is in an affair and you find out it will cut your heart out regardless of how you find out. I'm more worried about what happens if he isn't but your fears destroy a family. So winding back to your question, I am not in the least bit worried about his trip. I doubt he's in an affair, and even if he is it shouldn't change your behavior.

As for being heard...I think you are agreeing with what he says, but missing the underlying need. When he says "I hate that you took me to court" or "if we're going to do everything by the law then...", while he is citing those specific instances, where is this anger and pain coming from?

I hear him saying "The legal system makes me feel very vulnerable and powerless. This system is set up to make decisions that will impact my life in so many ways, from parenting time, to finances...things that will impact my relationship with my kids, and whether I have any free time or I have to work a 2nd job...and the people making these decisions have formulas and social workers that don't care at all about what I want or need, or what I think is fair. I really hope we can avoid going down this road. Hopefully this means R, but if not, is there any way we can avoid inflicting this system on each other, and instead try to work things out nicely?"

And then I see you wielding the court systems around at him like it's a loaded gun, talking about getting a L right now, then explaining again and again why you had to do it and it's all his fault because if he didn't walk and/or did his part you wouldn't have to do this.

Validation fail.

The correct response would be: "H, I understand what you're saying. The idea of either of our futures laying in the hands of a soulless third party is truly frightening. And being the historically bread winner, I can see how violating it could feel to have someone bang a gavel and give you an unachievable mandate that would destroy the quality of your life, and then hanging jail time over your head if you don't keep up. I can imagine it would feel a bit like you're being enslaved, forced to work in the mines, and if you don't like it, too bad. Oh, and you don't get to see your kids anymore...Those are horrible things, and they do happen to a lot of men, and that is really distasteful. Tell you what. I want you to know I care about you. And whatever happens between us, I always will. Obviously if there is a permanent separation arrangements will have to be made, but I can promise you this...I promise that I am 100% committed to working those arrangements out together...so we EACH have a voice. I promise not to take any further action without warning and discussion, and without spending time to reflect on what you're telling me and understanding your priorities. I am open to involving a counselor again to help us with this if needed, I'd rather involve a counselor that helps preserve a good co-parenting relationship than a lawyer that destroys one. I am committed to doing everything in my power to make sure any outcome would leave you in a spot to where you have a good quality of life, with some free time, and some discretionary income to enjoy it. Finally I am also open to seeing if we can't, through improving our ability to hear and honor each other's voice, see if that relationship can one day extend beyond just co-parenting."

Is there anything I wrote you couldn't say?

See, when he talks about $200, he isn't talking about $200...he's talking about feeling powerless and violated and threatened and scared. Instead of explaining why 4 months this or 17% that...can't you just honor his underlying needs? If you do that, he'll calm down...and he'll be more able to understand your underlying needs, which is you want to know you can feed your kids. Then you calm each other down, come to some MUTUAL agreements...then start talking through IC about other contention areas, rinse/repeat with the same formula, cry a bit because you better understand how you hurt him and why he acted the way he did, he does the same, then you go to Retrouville, fall back in love, get through some tough piecing ups and downs, and in a year's time you're enjoying your first romantic getaway post R, and are in the marriage you always wanted.

Questions?