Stepping in a Different Direction

[Pax_luv]

Hello!

I've had some things on my mind, so I thought I would journal a bit (since I'm just laying around watching the super bowl). My seminar that I mentioned above really did help me with my overall wellbeing... But it also reminded me how painful divorce is. In an effort to keep the confidences of the new friends that I made during my conference..... I won't share much, but I will say this... It appears that EVERY marriage is plagued with issues and divorce is painful for everyone touched by it..... And some people are left with guilt years and years and years (even decades) after the divorce is final. During the seminar, we had to get in touch with painful events in our lives and I was blown away by how many people are negatively affected by the decision to d. It was just surreal.

With that said, I really have learned to stand on my own two feet through all of this. Ive been solidly detached for a good month now... But part of me feels like I gave up. That feeling is so disheartening to me. I'm disappointed in myself for not feeling like I am fighting for this anymore. I'm feeling very emotional over it. Can I honestly say that I did everything I could? Maybe on paper, I could say yes. I did the work on myself, wasn't spiteful to h, read all I could on the subjects of relationships, intimacy, codependency, communication (over 40 books total), went to IC, had a DB coach, enrolled in webinars, got in touch with my spiritual side, meditated every day, I made friends, family, and new experiences a priority. I decluttered my life. I became more present in an effort to practice mindfulness and gratitude. Through my efforts, i did save myself. I am OK and have everything I could possibly want/ need in life except for h and my m. That makes me so sad. And no, I don't want to go back to the old m, it had a lot of issues and we didn't have the skills to bring out the best in eachother. But does that mean it's ok for me to move on/ give up? Part of me wants to say, he!I yes it's ok! H doesn't want me! He has shown no remorse or hesitation over this at all. I don't exist to him.... Im not even a factor in his life and haven't been in 8 months- longer even.

I am officially moving all my stuff out of the house next weekend, and that is just another nail in the coffin (for me). It's just another harsh reality to face.

Anyway, this has been on my mind all weekend.... Last night I had a dream about H. We were in my MILs house and he was there with his new girlfriend being all affectionate and flirty with her in front of me. They even took a shower together and I got all needy asking him how he could do this? Trying to beg him to come back. Blech- it was more of a nightmare. I haven't really had a dream like that this whole time.

Just my thoughts. Wishing everyone a great week ahead!