Ghostbusting Round 5 Detaching my feelings

[ATPeace]

Vapo you are indeed correct

Here I am in bed trying to sleep and I have now got two of my children in with me by youngest at 2 and my second youngest at 11 both wanting daddy cuddles

I was feeling so low earlier I came home and my second youngest came up and gave me the biggest hug ever I am scared to move forward on my own without my W I have to take this step

Hugs

Ghost

[Vapo]

Shed the fear and WAKE UP to the realization that your W has moved forward without you, so you have NOTHING to fear, NOTHING!!! Fear paralyses you, fear keeps you dying inside all the time. That is no way to live. Shed the fear, move forward...

Until you come to terms that your marriage is DEAD, I am afraid no progress can be made. No, your W won't snap out of it tomorrow, or the day after, so stop looking.

You need a time out from your W...

[ATPeace]

And that time out will be in separate houses

It has to be done I am one of the parents and for the better good I have t make and hold this position

We tried for eight months to make this work well I know that I did I tried to do my share tried to make things better with my wife but she wanted none of it she did not want to try and make things better our ideas Of better were polar different so nothing got better the things that I was doing as not enough for her and never would be

How do people make in house separation work for the benifit of seeing the kids kids do they can they?

She is not looking for anyone else but she is totally done with me and our marriage

I still want to stay together for the kids but this does not appear to be working

Ghost

[Sotto]

Hi Ghost, have a look at the latest post by U-turn on his thread. He is further down the road than you and there may be some wisdom for you in there.

Take care xx

[ATPeace]

So I read an artical this morning about the W becoming the man in the relationship ,,,and this is totally what has happened in our relationship over time this was how she was feeling she was doing everything and making the decisions felt like I was just another child ....this is something that maximus was trying to explain to me a while ago ....however now she is past the point of caring and does not want to be in any sort of relationship with me

So,how do I show her a change in me ....stand up to her will this not just alienate her further

We are talking about mediation and separate houses it is past the point of fixing

I will find u-turns thread

Thanks
G

[sandi2]

So,how do I show her a change in me ....stand up to her will this not just alienate her further

What changes, Ghost? How have you changed from within? How have you changes as a man? How has your thought process changed?

[Ginger1]

The issue here is, G, you think it's pointless to make these changes because your wife wants out. You think that because she is already gone, why make these changes?

Don't mean to be harsh, but do YOU want to be the man-child you describe your self as? Do you want to be a doormat, someone who is disrespected by his own children?

These changes have nothing at all to do with your wife. If you want to only become a man who is respected and in charge of his own wife to get his wife back, well, then don't bother, because those changes won't be real. If you want to become that man for yourself, then then make those changes. They will be real if you do it for yourself.

Self-improvement should be for yourself, not to get your wife back.

[Ginger1]

That was supposed to read " in charge of his own LIFE"

[Vapo]

Resist the urge to show your W anything, because frankly G, you have nothing to show her at this time. I am not trying to belittle you, I am only speaking from experience. Your core foundation has been shaken with a category 10 earthquake and desolation reigns... Your heart has been ripped from your chest and trampled upon by a heard of wilder beasts, everything you have to know as a truth has came crashing down in a flame of destruction. I'm betting you do not even know who you are at this moment. THAT IS NORMAL, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, but now is the time to get your a$$ in gear and move. You have been destroyed, so start building a new you, a better you. YOU HAVE TO BUILD A NEW YOU FOR YOU, AND NOT FOR YOUR DAMN WIFE. In a little while you will find yourself filled with anger and even hate for your wife, again, that is normal.

Now, GROW, GROW for you. Work on yourself, let go of your wife, there is a good chance the situation is FUBAR anyway. And another thing, you are mistaking love for codependency.

You deserve to be loved and loved right and you should not settle for abuse and disrespect. BUT, YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. And you G, you do not have an ounce of love for yourself.

So make a break with the past. Let the old G die, bury him, mourn him if you must, do not worry about your marriage (BECAUSE YOU HAVE NONE ATM) and build Ghost 2.0, new you, better you, a Ghost that will be happy just being Ghost and not some needy, clingy, codependent, sniffling G 1.0.

I love you G, I really do, bit you piss me off like no one. So, I do not want to read another line from you where you say you will try, or how you always manage to find excuses so you do not have to move forward. I will help you along, nudge you if I must, but if I read more excuses from you, I will lovingly let go and discontinue with your thread.

Stay strong G...

[rd500]

Hi G. Lots of wise advice as usual. It really is I suppose you can accept what your being told or you can carry on clinging to the hope you W will change her mind. She might , that's a possibility but she also might not and let's look and see what she sees.

She fell out of love with you She had her reasons , right or wrong Now what's happened for her to fall back in love with you ?? Nothing. Your still G , still codependant and still hoping that W will change

I've posted before how it took years for your W to reach this point and IF W ever changes her mind it will proberbly take years as well

Your Ds attitude towards you is unbelievable and it's not my place to tell you how to parent your child. I will say my 20 year old son who is 6'2" and weighs 15 stone wouldn't dare speak to me in a tenth of that manner because I have boundaries with all the kids and if I do raise my voice then the kids know I'm serious We are parents and need to be seen as such

G , this is your life and all we want is for to accept what is and move forward for you As Vapo said , this is life changing for us all , none of us have a choice in that however we do have a choice in how we deal with it I'm 18 months in and I still snuggle but once I accepted what is I wasn't paralysed by fear of upsetting W anymore and did things for me Nice clothes , holiday , new car , etc

Saturday just gone W complimented me on my wardrobe I accepted it but it didn't effect me Today W broke down over a work issue as she was chatting to me trough my passenger window. , I got out , gave her a hug , validated her feelings and went back to work 9 months ago I would have stopped the car and posted on here to get feedback , now I realise it happened and nothing has changed

My whole point is G needs to really, really accept that W is done She's choosen her path and is heading down it regardless of G. Now maybe , in time she will have regrets and she will look at G to see if G is still the same , what will she see then ??

What she needs to see is G , movng forward with his life , enjoying his life and living his life and her seeing that then won't matter to G because he will be happy and living his life for himself

You deserve to be happy G , we all do Why not follow the advice and as painful as it is accept. On e other thing from my own life is I was on Dyalisis for 5 years not too long ago and I hated every second of it. Every day I would count my blessings for what I did have and not dwell on the Dyalisis It really helped

Just my humble opinion G. You come across as a good man and I want you to be happy. Accept and move forward

Take care. Rd