surrealism is not my style

[Zues126]

C, I went through almost everything you're feeling, as have many others. What I want you to realize is that just as we say WAS's follow a 'script', LBS's follow a 'script' as well. I'll have to search it up out of the archives later, but in the middle of is judgement of WAS's behavior and diagnosing their personality, family of origin, and listing out every way in which they were bad people to us. This isn't the DB method.

If you haven't read my last handful of posts on Julie H's threads please do so now. Please confirm that you've read them, I'd really think they will help show you're not alone, but also to help keep perspective.

He doesn't understand why I won't even entertain the thought that I would be happier without him. Uhhh, wedding vows? Nothing?

Well, I still am DBing. But yes, at some point I won't. I'm sure I'll know when to give up.

Look at these two sentences. Any contradiction there? You were married for over 25 years? Be still. It's ok to detach. It's ok to let your love fade away. It's ok to move forward with your life in every way except romantically. But you keep DBing. "Some Point" shouldn't be in your thoughts right now. You have a long way to go, and the signing of a divorce is not the finish line.

He just stubbornly plays the same tune...that I don't like him, never appreciated him, that he made me miserable. I've given up on defending my feelings; that I made myself miserable, that I liked and loved him almost more than life itself. Pointless.

I have continued to validate and try to be understanding when he talks. But he didn't even call to let me know he wasn't going to follow through with what he said? And then acted like it was no big thing?

Who is this person?

On Julie's threads I told you who this person is. My question is this: How do you validate H when he says those things in bold?

In the sentences that follow you say that you have given up defending your feelings as that is pointless, and you refer to him as stubborn. If you feel this way you can't possibly be validating these statements well. Don't you see that you have one narrative based on your perspective and feelings, but he has another one that is equally true based on his perspective or feelings. And that he's basically telling you EXACTLY what he needs to change to be married to you and you're rolling your eyes at it and calling him stubborn, and then complaining that he left? Who's stubborn here? Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?

It's far too easy to dismiss his narrative as wrong because he's the bad one that left, and you're the righteous one on the forums, so he's obviously wrong...but he's NOT. So please, show me you're not the stubborn one. I've got a ***Special Assignment*** for you. Please write out a few paragraphs explaining, from WAH's point of view, why he had to leave (without letting your own narrative of explanations, debates, or disagreements interfering). Make me cry for his pain and agree that he had to create some space for self preservation.


PS- is H in an active affair? I can't recall and don't have time to dig. Thanks and hang in C.