KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

Not doing well. Not sure if it's an appropriate amount of not doing well, or not, considering this is the only time I've been dumped as an adult aside from XH (and obviously that's a whole different level of feelings..)

It's been two weeks and I still cry every day, sometimes several times a day. It's hard to be motivated to do things like go out with friends, or clean my apartment, or cook. I've been eating a lot of cereal.

For better or for worse I sent XBF an email on Tuesday as sort of a "love actually" moment (where the guy is outside kiera knightly's place and basically says he loves her but knows she is married now, just wanted to lay it to rest, etc.) I said some of the things I loved about him, how I was sorry for things I did that hurt or pressured him and how I can't take back the past but at least I recognize some patterns I keep falling into, and wished him well on a job promotion he applied for.

To my surprise (dismay?) he wrote back. I was fully prepared for no answer. And he wrote nice things... said that I was warm and caring and he was happy to have spent time with someone who showed her true self, and that he had never felt as stable in his life as he did with me. But then said something like "I feel this experience will help us be better stronger people" - the typical BS answer of "this is for the best." Then he said "I did get an email back about my application". I took the bait and wrote just one line - "What a cliffhanger! Did you get an interview?"........ no responses.

Until last night and then I just lost it again. My mom and I were at my sister's house sitting and just watching TV. We talked about this a little bit but she didn't want to talk about it much, said "If you start crying I'll start crying, don't cry!" Thanks mom. Then at like 10pm she says "Do you want to hear some news about XBF?" Proceeds to tell me he did get his promotion. I ask her how she knows that, she says they were texting. She shows me a convo that goes something like this:
Mom: Hey
XBF: Hi hi
Mom: I'm cat sitting at (sister's) house.. the cat doesn't want to come by me though
XBF: probably being a scaredy cat, he never came out when I was there that time
Mom: yeah, I guess. How is your job?
XBF: good, I got offered a promotion on Friday and am signing the paperwork on Monday!

So... WTF is this? First of all I told her I didn't really want to hear about their conversations because it just reopens the wound again (not my place to forbid texting, I suppose). Second, how is it that he can have conversation with her, that he doesn't need to have (like beyond politeness) but can't respond to me/doesn't want to talk to me at all? Is he trying to get back in with me somehow? Is he just being nice. It's not like they were close and maintaining some sort of relationship, they met ONCE in person and had some occasional texts about random things (mostly to tease me.. like "your mom is telling me all your embarrassing childhood stories!") And in DB I think there's a line about how they will try to get back with your friends and family first, before you, so that's on my mind when it shouldn't be. I'm not trying to DB this, it doesn't make sense to do so for a 6 month R.

I DONT GET IT. And it's so hard. My rational part of my brain knows he wasn't able to give me what I wanted in an R right now and that doesn't change overnight. He didn't say ILY (and I'm guessing didn't feel it), acknowledged we weren't on the same page and he "wasn't where I was", couldn't do things like inconvenience himself or change his schedule for me when I did regularly, couldn't handle an adult relationship by talking about things and instead just ran away, he felt like I was "prying" when I'd ask him what he was up to in a given week, didn't care about not seeing me for a whole week, etc. Many signs of emotional unavailability. But yet the other part of my brain wants him so bad. He checked off so many of the traits/preferences I was looking for in someone. I combed through so many online dating profiles before finding him. He seems to think very positively of me so why doesn't he want to be with me??

UGH. I can't keep going on like this - I'm not getting much done at work or at home, I feel like I've exhausted my friend's patience analyzing and talking about this. It's hard for me to understand why he'd dump me considering I was the first in-person relationship he'd ever had, so you'd think that'd be pretty good for him - I do feel like I am a pretty great person and he'd be hard-pressed to find someone who was willing to give him patience and time to the extent I did. It feels like BD all over again.