surrealism is not my style

[ciluzen]

Couldn't go through with the expensive L. Decided on the one with the flat rate. I feel much less icky. You're right, Thornton. Complete insanity.

I've been trying to go dark, but when H "popped by" to get his mail this week, he also promised to deposit our agreed upon amount for bills this week...and didn't. I called last night to check on that sitch and he basically said he just didn't feel like it (my words) but would do it by Monday. I then tried several times to nicely end the call, but he would just find ways to keep talking. I still try to be upbeat and validate, but I don't want to make small talk with him like nothing is wrong...H fired me as his wife!

He usually procrastinates on things or has others (like me) do them for him...why the rush to get me out of his life? I wish I knew what was going on in his head.

He just stubbornly plays the same tune...that I don't like him, never appreciated him, that he made me miserable. I've given up on defending my feelings; that I made myself miserable, that I liked and loved him almost more than life itself. Pointless.

I have continued to validate and try to be understanding when he talks. But he didn't even call to let me know he wasn't going to follow through with what he said? And then acted like it was no big thing?

Who is this person?

I'm making friends, going out to do things, trying to stay busy, but I often end up looking at this whole mess and wondering what happened? He tells me he's a big picture kinda guy, and I like to dwell on the details. Well, the devil is, as they say, in the details. A big picture is just a chaotic blurry mess without understanding those details.

But I get what he's saying. He was unhappy. I was unhappy. He believed he was unhappy because of me. He believed I was unhappy because of him. Therefore, getting rid of me would make us both happier.

Problem is, I wasn't originally unhappy because of him (not until he used the unhappiness factor as an excuse to have an EA). So now, in his own words, he's not happy or even happier, but can see his potential for happiness is greater if we are apart. He doesn't understand why I won't even entertain the thought that I would be happier without him. Uhhh, wedding vows? Nothing?

Well, I still am DBing. But yes, at some point I won't. I'm sure I'll know when to give up. I do understand his pain, if not his reasons. I've always known he was stubborn and held his emotions in. Sometimes he shares. Sometimes, lately, he even cries. I've heard sorry many times. I've forgiven. Still confused, though. He's depressed, but doesn't see it or know why.

I miss my husband. I wish he was still around. But I haven't seen that guy in so long. With the exception of a few ever decreasing fleeting glimpses, its been years.