So.... I think we have identified the shame and probably nailed it's cause.
The neglect of self W and family and side tracking with alcohol put a scar over the shame. We seem to have also to track the behaviour of soldiering on. It's not inappropriate sometimes, I am a great believer in the stiff upper lip.
I think it's correct to feel guilt too, some of the behaviours were inappropriate. Guilt is for that which we do and of course shame is for who we are.
Guilt can be atoned and so it should be. Beyond atoning for the harms we have done then we can go no further. Part of this is reviewing the harms and ensuring that with true repentance we do not repeat the damage. Then we move on to build ourselves into better versions of us.
Shame is very different. I am ashamed of who I was, as a chilD I parented my sisters. My youngest sister was 8 when I left home to go to University and she is deeply affected by what she perceives as her parent leaving. She is angry still with V. I have always felt shame and abandoning her.
I was also an ungainly skinny and acned teenager, with little grace but lots of wiry speed. The body shame I still carry with me. I do not love V's physicality nor do I look after her image.
I could choose to forgive V for her choices at 17.
You left at 16 and I sense the dynamic for you as an oldest child. Your shame went with you despite you leaving
This is what I see -shame that your father abused the things you loved, your mum, dog and family -shame that your father did this publicly (in front of friends) he saw as an extension of you -shame that you could not stop it -shame that your father was unloving and uncaring -shame that your father's public persona hid his real self -shame your mother was abused and soldiered on
There are more that you can identify?
You felt shame for his behaviour and set yourself up to feel it. You were a child. I put my shame (at my parents poor parenting) in a box as a letter and I wrapped it up as a package and I posted it. The address was my mum and dad
The letter inside said "please have this back". I presume the post office no doubt destroyed it.
That's a lot of toxicity for a child in your position, there is no doubt your mother loved and wanted you, probably applies to all her children. And as a carer was good enough. She bonded with you.
To a certain extent a clever dominator has the upper hand, playing on the need of the co-dependent for structure and finance. Your father's behaviour towards you isn't fair at the age of two and unwell, a child needs comfort and compassion.
------------------------ The period of anger say 13 to 16 was important too. The anger leads to imbalance in the development of the brain. Particularly in the amygdala.
Studies have been done with children in war zones, in particullar when young men fight in armies from a young age certain parts of the brain don't develop as they should. It appears that the two parts of the amygdala don't develop evenly. And it's different for refugee children and soldiers. Refugees have learned helplessness and the whole system shrinks. Soldiers are better fed but end up with uncontrolled rage issues that last their short life times. Soldiers of 14 to 18 have almost no compassion when fighting. The effects of nutrient deprivation is not distinguished.
However from my studies of trauma we learn this occurs also in war vets. Relating childhood trauma to war vets is truly mind boggling.
Can the brain repair, the answer is it can. A bigger question is can the brain develop later in life too? It appears that it can. The brain has enormous capacity to develop. Quite extraordinary in fact.
What I have been researching is how does shame and trauma release? I believe this happens from the physiology up. We heal from the body to the mind as much as visa versa.
So the first thing to accept about our shame is that to expose it to the daylight express it to another makes it quite ordinary. So las it out in graphic detail, identify the body sensations and the triggers that bring it forward. This heals the shame, there is a remarkable TV program called Embarrassing Bodies, people live with extraordinary conditions often for years some of which are easily healed.
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The more I learn about FOO the more I understand how every day it is. Physical and sexual abuse is ironically easier to dissolve. This is because once we accept it's wrong then we can put the cause where it belongs on the abuser. The emotional damage is much harder to unravel and we can blame ourchildhood selves for it.
There is denial, not in the sense of addiction denial but in the sense of putting shame of the actions done to the child onto the child. Thus I sense it's easier for you to heal your father abuse of you than the lack of protection of your mother. The latter is harder to spot. It's easier to adopt her coping strategy as a life choice, there is no way you would want your fathers. I like your discovery of the insight there. I think it's important in shifting the shame.
I would suspect your mother felt the same shame too about your father, although that doesn't make her co-dependency ok. She is to be congratulated in breaking away eventually. I see nothing to be shamed about in her M breaking down. In fact the problem was not walking away with her child.
The anger is tougher particularly developmentally damaged by alcohol as a mendicant. There may well be some 'growing' up to do physiologically. I have some ideas on this.
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I have been doing my initial research using the Internet site Big think. I also recommend the get Gg website (a charity website from Guernsey).
I have been using myself as my own experimental guinea pig to help me heal and see what works.
Here is what I learned about shame from my own experiments:
-we need to separate the experience of the emotion from the memory of it -shame is a bodily sensation which loops -triggers (noise, movement, cues, sights, smells) set off the body sensations -the sensations come without the base emotion - then there is fear (in your case anger followed by sadness) - there can be quite a gap between the two
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I have been working to get the emotion to tie to the sensation so I can feel the pain to release it.
I will give you an example, when my PTSD trips in I see WH in my mind ranting, screaming and threatening, like a hologram about 5 feet away, life sized and tangible. There are no words from his mouth, I hear his voice from behind me. The words are word salad although some of the things I hear are poisonous, vindictive and deeply traumatic to hear.
Then for three days or more after I am in dread and anxious, very afraid. The two are not together.
So I have worked to put the anxiety and fear with the visions. I know these aren't real that I am just traumatised. It's just here we go again.
By doing this I have released the shame of it, although not the trauma. I am getting close to busting the image and thoughts. I suspect when I do it will be like a balloon popping. Gone.
So when WH is there ranting, I have made him into the Disney cartoon baby, squeaked his voice. That helped a lot.
My bestie suggests I get a gun (water pistol) and shoot him with it, like Indiana Jones did in the movie.
------------------------- This tactic has worked well for me and I read that challenging your dad or Mum in this way works for FOO. I was going to ask you if your experience of Schema has done any release work?
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I have tried EMDR and I can't say I had a great deal of benefit from it. As a result when trying Havening I wasn't expecting any results.
I was doing the techniques incorrectly. I have learned with experimenting that with hypnosis, EMDR and Havening I have to be very specific. I have to have identified both the specific trigger and the exact traumatising memory to shift the trauma.
It's like magic and it never comes back if I get it right. Very slow though to go through each memory to shift it. Can take me several tries.
I first tried it on WH APPLE juice rant as the trauma was prevented from going into supermarkets and walking down the cold aisles without have a full blown panic attack. Now that's gone, I can go where I like.
I am having to pick these off one by one. And it's slow process so very very slow. NC is mandatory. Not an issue with your father!
If you would like to try I can give you instructions.
This is slow and perhaps a little rambling. I think this is groundbreaking.
V
Until we can mourn the past we are doomed to repeat it
