Good Morning V, I would like to thank you again for your kindness and compassion in trying to help me come to terms with my parental experiences. I am glad you said "Your reactions to your FOO are fascinating and I want to analyse them with you as they contrast to mine. I see all the cycles clearly in the stages of your life as I do in mine although in a different order and exhibiting in different ways.". I happy you are getting something out of it also.
"As always Mu, you can say stop enough. I will not be offended." Please continue I am also fascinated by the process. There is something humbling about this experience. I am human, with predictable reactions to stimuli but shows me I am not as unique as my ego would have me believe. Now, I would like to provide you with some feedback from your insightful analysis.
"So firstly from your description of your father he is a classic dominator. A weak man whose poor life choices and status reflected outside the home were brought to bear on his wife and children. He has enormous anger and control issues with a low frustration level and rage outbursts." Amen sister, you nailed it.
"I sense your mother is co-dependent. Most abused wives have strong co-dependency issues. She made attempts to defend her children and I think this made the whole situation worse." The moment I read those words I had an "aha" moment. Yes she was. I used to think she soldiered through it. This is what I learned, this is what I always thought I must do, throughout my life. It is what I am doing right now. My way of coping in my life is based on a misunderstanding of my mothers behavior. This is a powerful revelation to me.
"In addition he chose territory around his home which gave him the privacy within his means to dominate whilst not being overlooked by other homes. He was thus less likely to be overlooked and called to account. A method referred to as isolation dominance. He feared loss of the illusion of status whilst thinking he had none. You challenged that abuse (response is rebellion or defiance) and created an alliance with your mother." Again, your right on target. I would like to add that I drifted away from mother when I was 16. I got my drivers license. Then I would go out with my friends, drink beer and get out of the house. I began to self medicate and escape the disappointment of his behavior.
"This covert anger and your management is at the root of all future pivots in your life I think adding to the internal shame." This seems logical and correct.
"The shame turned to depression and Fawn style behaviour. You lost you into shame and just went along with life. You buried that which had attracted W into the shame. The energy invested in the anger went and your behaviours were unsteady. Your core was the anger and without it you were lost. This doesn't define you Mu. I think it just is this in your life sitch." Wow, You nailed me and my behavior. I kept marching forward like a good soldier with guilt and shame.
"I think you hold your mother almost blameless in it, and yet she is a contributing factor." Not any more. Whats funny is since my BD I have spoken very little to her. I have not much to say, so of that is embarrassment of my marriage. Another part is I don't have any interest in hearing her platitude about my marriage. Maybe I don't want to discuss it with her because it reminds me of her marriage failing.
"It is interesting that the most insightful discussions we had were on Vidya thread" It seems like a one hundred years ago.
"I do want to discuss healing FOO strategies with you and to try some physiological healing of the axis in the brain, damaged or blocked in adolescents by anger. There are some food adjustments that can be made plus some rebuilding and new connections in the axis." I would love to continue this journey with you. We will walk this path together and see where it takes us.
I have resigned myself to the fact that my wife feels her life would be better without me then with me. I will continue to be the man I want to be. This has nothing to do with winning her over. I accept my fate and want to give them joy and beauty these last few years together as a family. Peace
It seems like a one hundred years ago.