WW, My Addiction, Patience, and Hope - III

[trumpet]

I got hit with a 2 X 4 in my counseling session today.

I just so happened to be on Matthew 18 today as well.

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant.
I am the servant.
I have been given a new life - without porn. It changed the way I see the world, the way I see women, and how I see my wife.
My wife sees me for who I was for 15 years. Who could never really kick the habit.
My struggle to drop the hurt was because I chose to hide my bags, and pull them out when I needed them. Dropping my bags means complete detachment from the PA/EA/D.

My wife cannot stop my love. I can continue to talk her LL. Knowing my debt is paid, I can do what will restore my marriage without trying to negotiate a return on the investment. I already took a loan on the marriage when with my addiction. I must pay back that loan with interest to my wife. She did hold the secret for years.

So, how do I show love? By showing her I am moving on, moving to a happier me, willing to go the extra mile for the kids, showing her a husband only a fool would leave. But I really like getting the 'pats on the back', public and private praise. I'm a praise monster. It's what I kept coming back to - all the work, no praise, I bring up the hurt.

Who will I be doing the changes for? Me. For God.
Who have I done the changes for? Me, and for my wife. (partially wrong answer).

I cleaned up our bathroom today - the one only she uses now.
I fixed a light fixture that needed work.
I dusted all the cobwebs from the main level.
I made her bed (was ours, maybe ours someday)
I washed the D7's sheets
I made supper, cleaned up the main level, vaccuumed.

Why? Not to impress her - I would have told her I did all those things in the past. I did it because I love her. Does she love me? nope. Will she ever? Maybe.

All I can do is become the man she always wanted to be with. I made my committment 15 years ago. I'm a man of my word. Some days I hear the voices saying to give up. Not yet. Every day is new. Live for the next day.