Time for a new direction

[mleigh4]

Thanks Job. I always love your feedback. My son and fur babies are my world Don't worry, my expectations from H are very low. I am just getting tired of accepting that, as I know I deserve much better, MLC or not....

Very busy busy!! And still going for next week and further. This week I had something every night. Next week I scheduled my truck inspection, to drive to Socal, and a 2nd termite inspection. I have a work business meeting scheduled too. I am going wine barrel tasting with friends tomorrow, while S is with H, should be really fun. Sunday is work out walk day with friend.

I went to my friends funeral on Thursday. She was 44 years old. Her H looks to be in a total state of shock. He got up and spoke of her, in tears, it was heartbreaking and clear how much he loved her. I couldn't help but think, what would H be like if I suddenly passed? Celebrating his full freedom I'm sure. Well, maybe not that bad, but he does not love me as I deserve to be loved....it was eye opening. My friend will be very missed, her 6 year old daughter has her eyes. I cried that I was not there for her in the end, as she was a great friend to me during a rough time in my life. Her death remains a mystery, but based on what people said, something was not right in the end. I vow to be a better friend, to let them know how much I love them and to make time.

H finally responded to the termite inspection last night. He TM me today checking that I am ok to cover his days with S in April if he goes on business trip with his boss, during his birthday weekend. I told him no problem, that S and I have the same week off for spring break. I told him congrats on the offer, that it will be a great experience for him. I added that S and I are leaving in a week for Socal, are you coming? If not, can you watch dog? Crickets....

So so tired of the crickets.....

Knowing I am reaching out, last resort, as I am feeling very close to the finish line.

My mom called my work twice the other day. I was at the funeral. I sent her an email, saying I got her messages. I told her I need time and space right now, that it's best she respect that while my full focus right now is on S, me and my home.

FIL TM today that he saw a pic of S, his hair is getting long, asked if he can take him to his barber? Sigh. S likes his hair long, I have so much animosity towards in-laws, wish they would direct their attention on their own kids.....at first I took it as an insult, like I can't take care of my kid. I do everything for him, buy clothes, shoes, school projects, never get a single compliment from these people while I am taking care of business while their son is in la la land...you guys all know, my life revolves around him. But a co-worker really helped me to change my perception of his TM, he was just offering to help. As I have learned, I can't change anyone but me, so my reaction to my in-laws is a huge goal on my list. I replied that his hair is fine, he has a lady in town he likes. However, In the future, I think best to DELETE. They can bug H, not me. Meanwhile, I picked up S today, bangs trimmed, thanks to Grammy. Now his hair looks funny.

In spite of a bit of a downer week, I am feeling upbeat and positive. I continue to exercise daily and feel great. I also have decided to test recipes on my co-workers. I started today with a roasted eggplant dip that they devoured. Lol.

I am realizing that life is what you make it. We have our ups and downs, it's how you handle them that matters. After a lifetime of reacting based on emotion, I feel I am finally learning how to take a deep breath and stay calm and peaceful. It's hard for me, very hard!, but it's who I strive to be. I get hit with tests, over and over. Sometimes I continue to fail, but I am beginning to see clearer the person I strive to be. I continue to grow, learn and change. It's a very challenging experience!

Wishing you all a great weekend!