New night(s)

[kyrie]

That's ok Drew. I know about gaslighting. I know he does it. I don't really know how to respond or navigate it.
He only blames me for not coming to help him.

[kyrie]

Hey Trumpet - hope you're ok. I'm wondering about a few things and wanted to ask your perspective, if I may.
The porn use has accelerated. It seems to be wearing on him (but I know, no mind reading).
Did you ever get to a point where you knew something had to stop w/that? Or... other realizations? I know it took your wife's EA... but other moments along the way?
Also, I think you've expressed that if your W was more interested in sex it would have helped. I keep wondering about that... to be really blunt, his self-'love' has him so exhausted and his head is so messed up any affection or initiation I show is ignored most of the time. I'm wondering about that... I even wonder that sex w/me at this point is more hurtful than good (but maybe that's good for his conscience...) AND conversely, it's so much more boring comparatively...
I know all these things are *his* problems... it's still confusing for me. IOW, I'd like to, even if it is less than what it should be. But maybe that's exacerbating the problem...reinforcing the idea (his idea) that I'm just not good enough for him. Sigh.

[kyrie]

Yet another night of wash, rinse and repeat. He keeps pushing and I won't play but it never slows down his push. Ugh
He says he feels like I'm still accusing him. Yet I haven't... I ask for examples of how I'm doing that and he can't provide any, or weakly puts together something unrelated. Such a head game.

[kyrie]

Wondering about going dark (in house). Or even a full separation....it feels so endless.

[ARose]

Kyrie, for me the separation really is helping. I don't know that it is helping the marriage, but it is helping me. I was scared to "let him go" but the truth is that staying in the same house and walking on eggshells and listening to spew was only making things worse.

[kyrie]

How do you see it playing out Fo?

Wondering how it all looks.

[ARose]

I have no idea Kyrie. It depends on 1- how patient and in control of yourself that you can be, and 2- if H ever decides to take responsibility for himself.

It can go either way. I do believe that the fact that it is a highly emotional situation means there is a lot of love there. On both of your parts. But you are stuck. Once you become "unstuck" however you do it- by detaching, separating, whatever, then it will be a waiting game to see if he can get on a path towards managing his own feelings and expectations. Ultimately, it is out of your hands unless you decide to end it.

I am speaking for my own sitch as well as yours.

I wish there was an answer for us. There isn't.

I say that with a very heavy heart, this is not easy.

[kyrie]

I was asking how do you see your sitch playing out.
But, good point about the highly emotional thing... I assumed (uh oh) he was emotional because he is so scared to lose everything.
I feel like I've changed. In fact, I know for sure many things have. It doesn't seem to make any difference and he insists that I have not.

Was wondering how "going dark" looks in an in house sitch. Also thinking about separating too.
Yeah, not easy. That's an understatement.

[Vanilla]

Kyrie

This has nothing to do with you. It's all your WH.

WH is addicted to his behavioural fantasy. It will keep escalating.

Addicts need more and more.

It's not how attractive you are or how sexy or great in bed. None of that makes any difference at all.

Detach, his circus and his monkeys.

V

[kyrie]

No, I don't mean that stuff - I mean my own issues, lack of respect, etc. I need to work on my own failings and things that contributed. Not cause, but didn't help either.