So firstly from your description of your father he is a classic dominator. A weak man whose poor life choices and status reflected outside the home were brought to bear on his wife and children.
He has enormous anger and control issues with a low frustration level and rage outbursts.
This isn't organic brain disease or physiological as it exhibits only in his home with those dependent on him. He abuses animals and his wife.
It's criminal behaviour, battery and completely out of order. I think it's very clear to you, me and the evaluators that your dad was a deeply unhappy and weak man. I can tell that you have no qualms about understanding that his behaviour was not your fault. That doesn't resolve the FOO although it clearly marks it as taking place. It's more easily acknowledged. And you see the roots of some of your behaviour there, it shocks you and you understand you were a child and not in any way shape or form to blame for his choices.
There is more to know though in this and my reading and lecturers have led me to understand the intertwining complexity of adult parent interactions. There is a hidden Facit which is harder to address.
I sense your mother is co-dependent. Most abused wives have strong co-dependency issues. She made attempts to defend her children and I think this made the whole situation worse.
The co-dependent by staying in an abusive R is as much a contributor to the FOO issue as the abuser. They enable. Having said that times weren't as easy on the abused spouse as they are now. There was less support. None the less she had four children with a man she knew was abusive.
This man is not MLC. He is a dominator, he didn't favour his girls they were less challenging to him so he abused them less overtly. He deflected to you and his W plus the dog when she ran away.
In addition he chose territory around his home which gave him the privacy within his means to dominate whilst not being overlooked by other homes. He was thus less likely to be overlooked and called to account. A method referred to as isolation dominance. He feared loss of the illusion of status whilst thinking he had none.
You challenged that abuse (response is rebellion or defiance) and created an alliance with your mother. This is of itself the best of the childhood responses to physical and mental abuse and is rooted in anger as an emotion. It motivates and doesn't feel good to us as children to live angrily. It slows brain development and create strong fight responses, it creates resilience on the plus side.
It's stressful and teenagers especially boys haven't the full prefrontal cortex development to contain anger. Eventually the over developed pathways will trigger anger directed inwards.
This covert anger and your management is at the root of all future pivots in your life I think adding to the internal shame.
Act 2 was suppression of desire and anger, drift doing jobs that didn't fit, working for FIL. Seeing FIL as a revised father figure. The underlying anger is still present of course but deflected, the abuse stress is released although the FOO is not dealt with. Suppressing real need for understanding and resolution. It was not addressed.
Change of sitch, and anger emerges again plus shame, so we move to suppression. Your choice was alcohol, a sort of drug suppression. Alcohol works temporarily although it's a poor drug of choice for anger and shame. I think so and it's addictive.
You described in great detail your awakening, your vision the mirror reflecting back. Insisting on your drink and going where that was. You had insight and stopped. Another pivot. Again based on anger and shame and this time turned inward. You went stone cold turkey sober.
I am unsure about why at that stage you didn't seek help and at minimum look for support from AA. The shame turned to depression and Fawn style behaviour. You lost you into shame and just went along with life. You buried that which had attracted W into the shame. The energy invested in the anger went and your behaviours were unsteady. Your core was the anger and without it you were lost. This doesn't define you Mu. I think it just is this in your life sitch.
Your W decided to walk and that brought you here.
You have had schema therapy and like it.
I sense you have not yet dealt with your FOO. I can sense you have a clear understanding of your father's role and openly condemn his behaviour. You broke the pattern with your S for which I greatly admire you.
I think you hold your mother almost blameless in it, and yet she is a contributing factor. The me and you against dad isn't helpful Mu. It is the set up for your current shame. Plus boys are not supposed to have that connection and role with their mother. It's not their job and it's confusing to a young boy. That was not your role and it's inappropriate.
Just as it was not my role to become the parent in my family.
I am interested in your take on my thinking and would like you to break it down more fully if you can.
It is interesting that the most insightful discussions we had were on Vidya thread, and since then until now we hadn't progressed much. I think though from that thread onwards the knowledge was beginning to become an open wound. A wound exposed to air and healing.
Truly Mu, you have come a long way thank you for sharing this very difficult path with me.
I do want to discuss healing FOO strategies with you and to try some physiological healing of the axis in the brain, damaged or blocked in adolescents by anger. There are some food adjustments that can be made plus some rebuilding and new connections in the axis. There is good news on this too.
Big hugs
V
Until we can mourn the past we are doomed to repeat it
