I am always greatful for any reflection regarding my situation, especially reflection from you. (Which is never meager)
I have thought a lot about what you said. And yes, I think my anger does come from feeling stonewalled by husband. I do feel like he does not and never has worked with me as a family unit. We had separate everything. He made his own decisions entirely separate from me and when I complained or reacted he viewed it as me trying to control.
An example. He says he is going away for a few days.. Time comes and kids are sick. Instead of saying to me "hey, do you mind if I still go? You have work and it will be difficult". In which case I would say "you never get to go away, just go I will be fine". He doesn't say anything he just goes and I get mad. He doesn't even consult on the decision to take a trip. It is like that with everything and when I complain, it becomes me trying to control him.
We have never worked together as a team. If he had approached me with "let's go over a budget together and see what we need to live on our own and save" I would have tried to figure out a way to earn extra income. Instead he became resentful. Would say things like "other wives work full time.figure it out". And just sulked and gave me nasty looks. I remember going to one of his friends weddings and taking my car because of the weather. It had no gas. He pulled over and asked for my credit card, in which case I said I don't have it. He was annoyed, but paid cause he had no choice. But to me, it was so cheap and inconsiderate and not gentlemanly. (It was his friends wedding!). I am his wife, not a buddy. And even if I was a buddy that's pretty crappy. He earns 3 x my salary.
When he left, there was no communication. He would give me no answers. Whenever I asked what his goals were he became angry because I was pushing for answers. His therapist (actually our therapist who began seeing him privately after I stopped seeing her privately) told him not to answer my questions because it is not fair for me to ask. (When I was seeing her privately, she had suggested his lack of transparency could be a gambling problems, which it is not). I am afraid of therapists now.
Anyway for us to work as a couple it would require him to communicate with me and be capable of working together as a family unit. Then I would not complain. I am quite rational when someone explains and talks things out with me. Iam not afraid of being wrong or considering another persons perception of ideas. But I have to be approached with it.
The funny thing is he always says our problem is that "we don't communicate".
Side note: he is only child and very independent. Very mathematical, technical, and mechanical. He has absolutely no interest in the humanitiies. I am probably his complete opposite in that aspect.
Jellyb, is this a common family issue that you come across in your line of work? If so how do families navigate this?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
