Job, thanks. Looking at your perspective I can see that. XH has been my man/child for 19 years. When I married him, he was a mess. His clothes were in boxes, all mixed up. He would were a shirt that would come from dry cleaners. He had dirty clothes mixed up with clean. It was pandemonium.
He rented an apartment and just piled some furniture he had. We did not have even a table to share our meals.
I put order in his life, I organized him. His closet was beautiful with shirts, pants, socks all in colors from light to dark. He had everything at his finger tips.
His finances got better and better, and we were even able to purchase a house when we moved from Boston to Boulder. I did it all, bank, insurance, health care, all.
He was a man with identity, he was a husband and a father. Now he is lost. He is the director in a big company, but he is no one outside that world. Now, that he is making peace with the Lord, he is finding himself empty. I know that because I know him.
I had a sandwich and feeling not so hungry and not so angry anymore, I recalled what Wonka advice. Do a very good parenting with him and that may be the connection to get you two closer. You will become friends and that will be the friendship you both enjoyed one day.
I hope I have the strength to do this. I know I do actually, I am just being a chicken and afraid to hurt me holding hope. And I get this "No Expectations", but I also see it as: "Who am I kidding here", of course if I crack that door open it is because I hope he will come back.
Actually, if this was really true, I would be in heaven. He is becoming the man I asked him to be for a long time. I know he is a good person, he was just so disconnect from our family life. It was very hard to have someone and have no one.
I will centered myself. These days it has become a lot easier to just snap back into a calm, centered, gentle me.
Many times I was not feeling so good about myself thinking that would be so nice to be some "Barbie" or a little princess with a pink dress. Now you know my secret, why I am Pink. And yet, I never could. I am the tomboy, I played baseball in the streets, soccer in a mud field, I fried frogs and ate it in the woods, I was a receiver in a handball team, have some not so nice little fingers because I broke them playing volleyball.
Later, I was a biker, leather clothes, good and bad weather, kind of an European gothic, surf, traveled.
Now, I understand why was all that in my life. I wish I could be week, but I am not. There is always this desire for life. There is always the next smile, the next positive thought.
I will think more, and harder. I will find the way to work with him on the things that he is coming forward and maybe we can develop some kind of friendship from there.
I am trying to convince myself that he is just doing all this to be a good father. But as much as I want to justify many things, I can't ignore that he is not going to the kids, he is coming to me. He is indeed trying to call my attention. He is like: Hey, Cira, look at me, I am being the man you asked for!!! I am being a good boy!!!
I love you Job, you are my guardian angel. Thank you so much for helping me. You are amazing.
NYGal, sweet pie. You are strong, you just don't know yet because you are still giving more power and control to the other person. As soon as you think that you have that power inside of you, then you will find out it was always there.
Look at you, if you are so weak, would you be doing this divorce support group? Facing your fears, your anger, your reality?
No, this are traits for strong personalities. Give yourself credit... cry a little bit, then give yourself more credit, then you will feel good about yourself.
Don't ignore the pain, let it go through all your bones, skin and blood. Use that pain to make you stronger.
Enjoy the sun today, it is gorgeous. And at least a few degrees warmer. Tire of being a penguin.
