Where I am...

[Vanilla]

Absolutely agree

V

[otw]

Product of it

We are not resilient!

[- MB -]

Ladies, I'm here to tell you the God's honest truth. No man who would ever want to cheat with you really loves you, he just wants in your pants regardless of what his words say.

If that's true, and I'm not saying it isn't, then WHY are the men so willing to throw their W's away for the OW? He's not worried about loosing ME, he's worried about loosing HER.

I still blame my wife for her part in the whole thing but I can also recognize that she is back from crazy land. It does happen. Sometimes they do snap out of it.

I will also swear that you have ZERO chance to work anything out with a cheating spouse while they are still cheating. That would be like playing nice and hoping a loved one wises up and leaves a religious cult. That happens so very rarely. You have a way higher chance of success in getting rid of the external influence on your cheater. That allows the fog to clear

Your W's affair was blasted by the OMs W, but, like in the case of my H, they OW isn't married. So, I have NO chance of her H blasting the affair! Not sure exactly how a spouse would accomplish this when there affair partner doesn't have a spouse. Thoughts??

[Vanilla]

Ladies, I'm here to tell you the God's honest truth. No man who would ever want to cheat with you really loves you, he just wants in your pants regardless of what his words say.

If that's true, and I'm not saying it isn't, then WHY are the men so willing to throw their W's away for the OW? He's not worried about loosing ME, he's worried about loosing HER.

That's an affair fog. It is infatuation only. Like losing your drug of choice. Addicted to the endorphins dopamine and oxytocin. He isn't worried about losing OW, he doesn't want to lose how the A makes him feel. It's about his feelings not about the OW.

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I still blame my wife for her part in the whole thing but I can also recognize that she is back from crazy land. It does happen. Sometimes they do snap out of it.

I will also swear that you have ZERO chance to work anything out with a cheating spouse while they are still cheating. That would be like playing nice and hoping a loved one wises up and leaves a religious cult. That happens so very rarely. You have a way higher chance of success in getting rid of the external influence on your cheater. That allows the fog to clear

Your W's affair was blasted by the OMs W, but, like in the case of my H, the OW isn't married. So, I have NO chance of her H blasting the affair! Not sure exactly how a spouse would accomplish this when there affair partner doesn't have a spouse. Thoughts??

All sorts of reactions break the addiction for an OW or OM. OW/OM is a scuzzy, pond scum, not a nice person. Give the particular specimen an invalidating name, I have had the fishwife, Maggotroni, tatty bum bum (that's 3 OW, one after the other). Busted one, fishwife and she was replaced by another, briefly Zit features (aka pizza face). My WH was wayward in all aspects. I stopped one A from starting only to find he had another already in the pipeline, he even told a mutual friend he was going to be a gigglo! Another he showed his history of the women that he had chatted to on dating sites referring to them as dogs.

We have had in other sitches the duck, quasi, tart au citron (French fancy). Some of them were M, some D, sone S, some Free, but all were pond scum. These waywards affair down, lucky them.

It isn't about the A partner, it's about the wayward and their addiction. One posters WW woke up when her charmer of an OM passed on Herpes. Nasty little worm knew he had it and didn't care.

The actual A partner doesn't count for much and most As fizzle out in the daylight.. We had one EA where the EA partner didn't want to be involved at all and was actively encouraging the wayward to go away. The wayward was still wayward and persuing an A.

I did once categorise OWs and OMs just for fun.

A gf or a bf is different. The spouse walked away from their M in a non wayward state and then started D. That's not wayward in my book and these Rs are real potential Rs. Some LBS in LRT aquire a new R. Old Dog for instance, Greengrass and that's not wayward.


Wayward is being in one R and addicted to the way an OP makes you feel about yourself but disguising your A, sneaky, tacky stuff. If an R is failing work on it first, cease the R before moving on. Waywards know what they do is wrong that's why they are ashamed and hide it.

Many of them realise their A will burn out or be unsucessful so they hang on to their M as plan B, just in case. Shame and guilt and the light of day may work. In other cases it makes no difference and they are MLC. My WH was abusive and this was in his abuse kit.


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My 10c for what it's worth.

V

[mahhhty]

It's been two weeks for me. Since I shed some feelings.

First in response to the above posts and my sitch.... She hasn't confused to being infatuated with this (dbag as she called him) while we were together. Their first ties together were the same month as D papers. In hindsight I can't imagine a world where they weren't being stupid and he isn't the mucus that pond scum eats.

Anyway, I've been well. Things are happening across the board in the pieces of my life I can control.

She did take the kids for a weekend get a way with the new guy. But honestly I think it just pushed them closer to me. I didn't say anything to her about it, although I wanted to badly.

I still maintain minimal conversation with her during the week, she confronts me about nothing.

We had soccer for the kids last weekend and have it tomorrow and 2 more weekends after that. I kept it together and was absolutely pleasant.

After my last little run on the board I started to accept things as they were and realized she has done the worst possible things imaginable. I have no more reason to any way but business like. It took me a long time but I think I'm finally on the program. In that light I started researching how to work with a passive agressive person. I found some techniques that I need to start to employ.

That's it for now. Good luck all! Live learn adapt

[mahhhty]

It's very weird. Every time I post here magically something happens. X just texted me b/c she wants the DVD players so she can go on a 6hr road trip. To the city where the OM lives. Happy Valentines all. A new level of selfishness has been reached.

[mahhhty]

It is kind of ironic... In the 2 week down time between my posts I did some research on how to lessen the rollercoaster even more. I researched dealing with passive people and re-read Sandi's old thread on LBHs and the like.

Then tonight I read this gem as well. Please read for those LBHs or Nice Guys.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...712#Post2653712

I see a lot of myself in the article. And I frequently give thoughts/comments/recommendations to follow people like Squiggy when it comes to LBH situations. Those people who make an assertive stand seem to do something right.

Thinking about my own situation, I did that only twice (the house and child support). Everything else I just went with the flow.

And I still do. I found out about the OM sleeping over from the kids. I found out last minute about the trip to the city to see the OM. And yet we have not discussed anything in regards to parenting besides the kids birthday parties.

My startup is going great! We made another newspaper. Thats three now and demolition on our space is almost done and ready for construction. My life is drastically changing for the better, in every area but one.

That needs to change.

[Squiggy]

I still have to get through all of sandi's new thread, but it truly is a gem and rings out wisdom. I've noticed the same trend with us LBHs (piecing or not, I felt every bit of pain each one of you has). No one "nices" their way back into their marriage, especially men. It's really funny paying attention to my female colleagues, which makes up the majority of my profession, so I hear a lot of it. They really are looking for a MAN and not a boy. They respect the caring strength that a man can give. Recently, my parallel dropped her bf because he was too nice with no excitement or even willing to argue with her.

Anyway, mahhhty, if I'm not allowed to leave, neither are you. Missed ya, bud. I can't describe how proud I am to see you still working on things despite what happened. It says so much about your strength of character. Newspaper business, huh? You'll have to tell me more about it. Sounds interesting

[mahhhty]

Squiggy - I started my dream company! An Outdoor Adventure, Education, Rafting, Retail and Rental (SUP, Bikes and Kayak) Business. My website is Fantastic (if I do say so myself) and the online store are live. I am working to renovate 3 units in an old mill (which I am turning into a real estate play and will be renting one of the units to a New Brewery). It is a balancing act as I don't want to borrow any money (I can't afford to) and I need to buy more equipment, etc. However, my timing is perfect. I'm a major contributor to a small city revitalization project, in which the entire local economy and collective team (who are turning into my second family) are SUPER SUPER supportive. We are turning around an entire community and I love every second of it. I love the problem solving, working with people, the potential and the growth and challenge of it. Although I am maintaining my current job (to pay the bills, for stability and what not), I am sure my business will be able to support me by the end of 2016.

I don't talk much on this board about the things I enjoy in my life. I talk a lot more about the areas I don't like. I'm hard on myself and get upset when things don't change.

In regards to her, I've gone over and above with her, picking up the slack with the kids, offering my kidney, financially over extending myself to enable her, etc. Although I often tell people to read up on you and how you handled your situation, I rarely implement those areas in my own life with her.

I'm not leaving, but some of the ruts put me in a mood where I don't want to think about it or talk about it anymore. This last turn with the OM and XW's inclination to involve him with the kids troubles me. Especially with her being so close to her transplant date.

This last rut is b/c of my inability to completely distance her out of my mind, b/c of:
- we haven't had any conversations about D going into Kindergarten
- my S wants me to stand next to XW at soccer (he kept asking for me to stand next to Mom in the car on the way there, then when we were there he tried to pull me next to her), my D broke down and cried a week ago about us not being a family and Mom not coming home (she never ceases to amaze me, its been a year and she still remembers). They have some urge for us to have some sort of relationship however, we have not coparented on any level.
- she hasn't been upfront with me at any point or discussing with me in any way about the OM. I suspected him since day 1 and have proof from February (before papers were signed).
- she is getting this transplant and is on dialysis (3 days / wk) however, she drove the kids 6 hours away to see OM. Meanwhile her father who needs a transplant as well (and who isn't on dialysis) isn't driving into work on Tues and Thur b/c he is too tired. I don't understand her motivation... scratch that she is on the OM drug. But it sure seems that she is putting selfishness before all other things. Selfish and inconsiderate of the kids.

I'm educating myself about dealing with passive people and I've distanced myself as far as I can from her.

I need to do some assertive communication. I need to send her something about kindergarten soon and about off Fridays (the parenting plan says she is supposed to pick them up, but she never does).

Somehow this turned into a big post...

Squiggy - You know I value your opinion. Do you think there are things I should be doing that I am not?

[mahhhty]

Had a busy week. Just getting over the flu now (kinda).

X's transplant is a week from today. She asked for a schedule change bc of it. Which I will probably a compadre. We haven't talked about any of the things I mentioned earlier. Or how to handle the kids during the surgery.

I'm very nervous for her, but realize I'm no part of her life. So I keep it to myself. I'm sure she is trying to be a rock like none of this is a big deal, but I'm sure inside its eating her up.