Your W is doing so much better than I did.......I can't even begin to describe. Perhaps you are being like you have always been in your interactions with her. Maybe b/c she is not productive, motivated, energetic, or driven as you, it causes you to have a tendency to get behind her and try to turn her focus on things and push her toward them. I know the frustration in having a personality like yours and living with a person who has a phlegmatic temperament. I had two in my family (husband and daughter) and they nearly drove me nuts before I finally learned to stop doing what I was doing and let them handle things in their own way. They truly were opposite from me, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not make them like me!
If my H had done all the work you have done since your W's EA..........I would have been blown away. Instead, I saw nothing in him. On the other hand, looking from the viewpoint of the WW, I can see how you may be placing emotional pressure on her. As I said, your way is not hers. I get you.......I really do! However, I think as difficult as it may be for you, you need to try to be more relaxed. I think people like you and I seem intense to our spouses. We wear them out just watches us work so hard.
The thing we hate (slowing down) is really what she needs, at the moment. She may admire how you are driven to make the very most of a situation, but she's just made in that way. She actually has to have the time and operate at a slower pace. I think some of our pushing actually slows them down at times. With her being the WW, she may not handle the emotional pressure to produce more action as a mother and wife. I don't know this for certain, and you know your wife. I am simply giving the viewpoint from the WW, and trying to think how I would have been if I was turned more like her.
Perhaps she truly needs more alone time, in order to deal with her responsibilities as a mother of three and a wife of a driven man. Maybe this is when she regroups. I do think, however, the more you do for her......the more dependent she will be on you. So although she may need your assistance, discipline yourself to not do it all, or to it so she doesn't have it to do.
When I was going through the period following the affair, the last thing I wanted was showing physical affection to my H. I had to have time to mentally and emotionally shift from the other man to my husband. If he had been telling me he loved several times a day, or that I was beautiful, or trying to touch me in bed..........I probably would have took off running in an attempt to escape the feeling of being emotionally smothered. And this may feel very deflating to you, b/c you've probably read or heard how most females crave what you've been doing. Timing is extremely important, and the older I get, the more importance I see in good timing. My husband and I have not had a sense of good timing in our MR, and unfortunately, have suffered repercussions. So I hope you can get a sense for the right time for things with your wife.
Balance is also critical for the betrayed H. You feel you are carrying the major weight of the family and the MR, b/c it doesn't appear that your W could.....or maybe, would, if you didn't do it. You are working so hard to your part and her part, too. Whenever we try too hard, or we try to do the work of the other person......things get out of balance and becomes unhealthy. Perhaps your MR has experienced this unhealthy or unbalanced weight of responsibility, or effort, since your kids were born. Perhaps your W has become a bit spoiled. Grown women can become spoiled just like children. The more spoiled, the greater her sense of entitlement grows. All of this can come from an unbalanced production of effort. You do the work around the house. You spend quality time with the kids and go overboard in showing them wonderful and fun activities. You carry the load of parental responsibility. Plus, you are carrying the load of piecing the marriage back together. It sounds as if you not only have become super dad, but super husband, as well. Sounds good on paper, but the results are not that great. My advice is to find balance in what you are doing, before you burn out....and burn down the MR. Don't go to the extreme the other direction, which a lot of BH's tend to do in attempts of finding balance.
I advise you tell her ILY only once a day. Tell her ILY when you say good-bye or good night. That way, she won't feel like you are watching so closely to see how she responds. It does put pressure on the WW.
Try not to always be the one to initiate physical affection. It is better to give her more non sexual touches throughout the day/evening. Touching the small of her back, her arm, shoulder, etc. Make it a natural thing and not as though you are glaring at her to see what she does. I think most women need a buildup to more sexual touching. And a WW needs time before she's ready to be intimate with her H.
Give her compliments about other things, besides just her looks. I mean, you can tell her she's beautiful, but don't overkill.
Try not to question her about how she spends her time. You don't want to sound as if you are going over a honey-do list with her. You don't want to act as if you are an employer. (Not that you do, just saying in case).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
