I greatly appreciate your advice. It's good to get the perspective from the other side. I know this is going to take time. I know everyone really thinks there marriage is special, but we really had/have something good. No one would say they saw this coming. I adore my wife. She knows that. I have been thinking about something recently... the fact that I have said I am needy. The only thing I have ever needed was to feel love and respected. I was pushing for more intimacy for a while, but other than that I ask for nothing. I do more than my share of work around the house and with the kids. She constantly needs my assistance on things. I am glad to help her whenever I can and do anything she asks. I just thought that's how marriages work. She has said she needs space... but I would challenge her to find any mother of 3 kids who gets more time out of the house away from the kids than she does. Even her friends can see this. I have pointed out what a great husband I am. I won't anymore, but I wanted her to know all that I do. I really think she has built up negative things in her mind that aren't there in real life.
Even now... she came back from counseling last night and said she told the counselor how I am doing so much better at giving her space... super... when are you going to talk about why you need space instead of reengaging with your family and husband?
I get this is a hard time for her, but part of me feels like she made this mess. She has some issues that are not related to our marriage and I think they are at the heart of the problem. The problem isn't me smothering or being needy. That came long after she started pulling away. She doesn't have many close friends. Her mom and brother approach relationships the same way. They have very few close friends. Her mom has one friend at most. They just don't get the idea that you get out of relationships what you put into them. They want to blame others for their faults. I am sure I have had some fault in this, but most of it has nothing to do with our marriage in my opinion. It's childhood attachment issues and trust, intimacy issues. And I'm not sure her current counselor is getting anywhere. She's all about feelings and letting my W set the pace and tone. I really want to go to one of her sessions with her and bring up some things. She tells everyone I am a great husband. Does she feel like she is a great wife? She says I smother her... can she think of another mom who gets more away time? She says she doesn't have a shopping problem... 30 G in credit card debt isn't a problem. She says I'm needy... I ask for nothing from her in day to day activity and create time for her to get out or take a bath or work out... She never does that for me. I never complain.
Ok... that was a lot of venting... right now things feel good. I don't think completely detaching is the best call right now since it seems like things are getting better. I am going to back way off though. I will only say I love you in response to her saying it. I will not reach out for contact, but will respond if she does. I will not bring up any conversation about our issues, but I will talk about it if she wants to, trying to say as little as possible (which is tough for me). I will give her all the space she needs, but be the best dad and most positive person I can be around her. Does that sound like a good plan? Feel free to make suggestions.
I made this jar of question strips. We were doing it for several nights and it was going well. But then I thought it was me forcing her to do something so I didn't do it 2 nights ago. I wasn't planning on doing it last night. But then she asked if we could do it. It's crazy how much we are learning about each other through it. We lay in bed and answer the questions... one for each of us and one we both answer... I might ask her if we can start looking at each other when we talk about them. Is that weird?
She is trying I think. But I don't think she realizes how bad it hurts when she says I'm going to meet a friend for an hour and then comes home 2 hours later. I know she was with her friend (because I asked her husband), but that stuff hurts. Or when she goes shopping for 3 hours to get a break. The good news is I am really making up for a crabby summer with my kids with tons of great activities... I'm super dad right now and I'm loving it.
I'm not quitting. I don't think she is either. It's just at some point I hope the problems we are addressing are the real problems rather than what my "issues" are. There is something deep inside of her that is causing her to detach from her life at times. That is what needs to be fixed.
Am I wrong in thinking that instead of her pulling away and taking breaks that reengaging might help her more. Especially with the kids. Forget what she thinks about me at this point... do some fun stuff with the kids and maybe she will start getting good feelings.
Being a mother of 3 kids is not easy. It takes work... but anyone who gives it their all knows that the rewards out weigh the hardships... I just wish she could give it a go.
