I understand that when I discuss my anger with friends and family, of course they side with me and husband comes across as a villain. It won't help me to have everyone agree and clamor on with "you go girl" speeches. So I appreciate the honesty and no kid gloves necessary.
Very interesting analysis on venting and negativity. I also understand that my rants and anger seems to be cyclical. Meaning that nothing good is permanently coming from it. It's not just venting since it's the same old stuff over and over (even im sick of it) It's negativity. Which is a major issue for me. I owned it early on in my threads but have never been able to overcome it. During my first conversation with DB coach, she asked me what my husband's complaints about me were and I told her, negativity. It's how I was raised.
It's not permanent. But during certain moods I become overwhelmed by it. (Kind of like when your in the heat of an argument and you just forget to validate or use dialogue or visual imagery) Sometimes discussing gets me out of it. Your perspective helped get me out of it because it allowed me to see husband as I once saw him.
It feels better for me to not be consumed with anger, but calm and peaceful. I can think more clearly and i look forward to life and the future. But I don't know how to make it happen on my own. I talked to a couple of counselors about the break up and they kind of just agreed with me like the "you go girl" friends and told me I am entitled to anger and to accept it and that I don't have to justify it by bringing up husbands point of view..that they were supposed to do that. You also have to understand that in person, I come across as very sweet and believe it or not calming, So I can understand therapists approach. I don't go anymore.
Zues, you said that you wrestle with your anger as well. I am wondering if maybe my anger at husband is simply a way to blame him for my unhappiness, because it's the easy thing to do. and yes. It is controlling.
Julie,
I hope you don't mind if I provide some reflection on yours and Zues' discussion. You both have this well handled and my offerings are meager in comparison.
I support the path that Zues is highlighting to you, he knows his stuff inside out and backwards. Salute Zues!
There's a couple of sentences that jumped out at me:
Sometimes discussing gets me out of it. Your perspective helped get me out of it because it allowed me to see husband as I once saw him.
I am wondering if maybe my anger at husband is simply a way to blame him for my unhappiness, because it's the easy thing to do.
There's a couple of Zues' reflections to about pain killers that need to be read in context of the above sentences.
Just reflecting on some of your previous comments about you pursuing or seeking relationship conversations and your H not being a great conversationalist or shutting down conversation.
Julie I am wondering about the possibility that you are not so much angry with husband for causing your unhappiness, but more that he wont support you to resolve it.
Julie you have identified your own pattern of negative thinking and it being cyclical in nature, and that sometimes discussing "gets it out". Your writing back and forth with Zues appears to provide you with some relief from the negativity and sense of anger. Zues' understanding, compassion, validation, attention to detail and intellect appear to soothe you.
Is this what you are looking for from H? Is this your pain killer?
It seems to me that H doesn't provide the tool for you for which to self soothe or to gain personal insight about him or you. There's a few other things in there too that Zues has highlighted.
I feel like you are angry and resentful because he leaves you all alone with these bad feelings and was the one that you anticipated would never let you feel bad. He would be the one that would understand and make it all better. He would listen and love and support. He promised, he committed not to leave you all alone with these bad, awful cycle of negative feelings.
I could be way off track Julie, but just some observations that may have little value. Please feel free to ignore.
I'll leave you two this very healing conversation, with our lovely Zues.
PS Julie, I wonder if it is time to revisit a good therapist. And Julie my baggage with Mr Ex and Mr M looks very similar.
PS: I missed you while you were away, but so glad you got some down time. Much Julie
