First tho I want to bring up my thought process and how I need to change it. I got a text from a friend/ co worker today that said mind if I stop in after work. I said ya no problem. What's ups? He said nothing big.
For whatever reason my mind races to negative thoughts. Always has. Ex. He's mad about something or something's wrong. Maybe some bad news at work he wants to share. Then I had to stop myself and think. Why does it have to be bad? Maybe he wants a drink and to see how I am. Maybe he needs help with something? Whatever it is I will deal with it and not worry about it.
It ended up being nothing really. He needed something and I was able to help him. We joked around and talked and that was that.
Second thing that was a step for me. I called my older 2 kids tonight just to talk and asked to speak to their mom after. I needed to go talk about a weekend I am supposed to have them and I potentially have plans to go away that weekend. So this is a big deal for me as I have always put off or cancelled me time for everyone else. I was afraid to bring it up as I thought it would be a big deal or I would disappoint someone. Again it wasn't. We moved some weekends around and it all works. At one point tho I said "well if i don't end up going away that weekend I can still take them... Wait. No. If those plans don't work out I will make new plans. It's the weekend school is over for me and I am back to work the next week. I want to go do something.
Again I felt like I was letting the kids down or I wasn't being a good parent. And that's not the case. They know I love them. I will always be here for them. I honestly don't remember the last time I went away with friends for the weekend or even did a day trip for me.
As for te off night. I felt guilty i didn't do anything. Haha. I sat down and watched a movie. No studying. No hobbies. No going out. No gym. Just sat and did nothing. It was nice.
It's still quiet and lonely at night, but the boys are coming tomorrow so I get a loud crazy house for a couple days again! Really excited to have 2 of the 4 this weekend.
Long story short. I took some steps today to put myself first. It almost feels wrong to say it or bad. At the same time it feels liberating to a point.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
