He loves me he loves me not

[Zues126]

Zues, you said that you wrestle with your anger as well. I am wondering if maybe my anger at husband is simply a way to blame him for my unhappiness, because it's the easy thing to do. and yes. It is controlling.

Oh yes. I had some fiery furnaces burning within me. If I had been around the Shire, Frodo wouldn't have had to trek across the Misty Mountains to find a way to melt down the One Ring if you know what I mean. (I am having SO much fun reading that to my kids I had to work that in)

The funny thing is that I, too, would be considered calm and reasonable by my friends. It's like it was all super deep in me. Really- my anger was directed at myself. Perfectionism and feelings of inadequacy that drove me to insane levels. Then W got too close to me, and the umbrella of protection that I gave to the rest of the world no longer covered her. She was part of me in my own mind, and so I'd start holding her to the same standards I'd hold myself to...and treating her the way I treated myself. Mercilessly driving because it had to be better.

I've learned since then that I have to fix how I treat myself. There is no way to be abusive towards myself and treat my partner compassionately. What is done to the self is done to the partner. If I moved to the Sahara desert, my XW would have had to live in the heat with me. If I moved to the arctic, she'd have had to freeze with me. Well, when I decided to take up residence in the 7th circle of Hell, I brought her there with me.

And once I moved out of Hell, well, my soul is no longer on fire, so I am no longer desperate to have her comfort me. I'd LIKE a partner I can be intimate with in many ways...but the desire for connections that aren't possible in this world looks more damaging than inspiring if it leads me to judge, criticize, and not appreciate the damaged, frail, and limited connections we can actually achieve in this world. Perfect is the enemy of good.

Easy for me to say. I'm the single one talking theory. You're in the middle of the storm. But you're tougher than nails, I wouldn't want to bet against you.