Don't despair...just think it all have a reason to be. I sometimes did everything that was possible so I would go out with my friends and then felt like the worse crap that exists on earth. Would be much better to just stop myself and breath for a little bit.
If you want to do something and your friends ditch you, then go to a mall and pick a blouse, T-shirt, a pair of shoes. It does not need to be expensive, just something to you, a treat.
Or maybe there is a movie you can't see with the kids, so use that time to catch that movie. Maybe your mom wants to do these things too.
I use to go for long walks... I could cry, talk to myself, think about things and was exercising. There is a place near my house that we can go there for free meditation a few days during the week. Do you have anything like that.
I know you are much, much younger then me and have a lot more energy, but sometimes its good to get in touch with our soul.
I am so sorry you have to deal with all this c**p, my XH did the same thing, I was a mess and felt very confused as you are feeling now. I did many, many mistakes thinking that he would just turn around and we would be back together.
It did not happen and last thanksgiving I was in my room, half sleep already and he came to check on me. Yeah, really. We were already divorced for three months. He then started saying that his back was killing him. Of course, I put him on the cough.
So I told him if he wanted he could lie down on a bed, that we were adults and I needed to sleep. As soon as he was in my bed he came running to hug me.
I looked at him and for the first time I said I did not want to be with him, did not want hugs and kisses and much less any sex with him. I told him that my pain would stop there.
I felt really good, and the truth is that things have been changing since then. A little while after that I set up some boundaries and he can't come in a house without invitation.
I get text msgs every day. He insisted in a meeting were he asked for forgiveness and told me how wrong he was and how many mistakes he did.
It's was only when I put a stop on the insanity that he started showing a little bit of a change. He needs to work hard on himself, I have a lot of work and learning to do on myself yet. I don't know if he will ever come back (we are D) but maybe, just maybe, things can turn around.
So remember that it is not a sprint, this is a marathon. I also understand it is easy for me to say all this today. Believe me honey, I was in your shoes, and even worse ground, so I know it hurt. But keep the good work.
And squiggy, love your input, your advices. It's a hat I can wear. Our girl club thanks you for the male perspective. It helps a lot. After all, we are from Venus.
