WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE Part II

[sandi2]

I think when she starts to really work at US things will get better. The struggle is now ME - how to continue to show love and respect, when I'm not shown that in return.

I wrote to another newcomer about what I'm going to say again. And, to be clear, I am don't mean to imply the betrayed H has to right to feel what he feels and/or have the needs he has. What I see from where I sit are betrayed H's who finally gets what he wants. Or at least what he thought he wanted. There was a time he though he'd nearly give his right arm if she'd just end the A and say she'd stay in the M. Okay, so she does. But it doesn't ease him enough. He realizes he needs more. He needs an apology. No, he needs more. He needs to see real remorse in her. Wait, he needs more. He needs to see her trying harder, putting more effort into the MR. Oh, and there's more. He needs her to help him heal from all that she's done.

Maybe I didn't paint the LBH in such a great light, huh? If indeed, she is legit and has ended all type of contact with the OM, then this is much how she feels when she is going through her own kind of hell, is her H singing......."what about me, me, me, me, me"?

Don't get me wrong here, Trumpet. I have been one of those who have cautioned you, pointing out the things the WW needs to do. But what seems to be happening is either she is not really in all the way (and I think that is typical feelings for the WW when she first agrees to end the A) or you are applying too much pressure all at the same time.

As I told the other newcomer, you cannot look to her to save you, not right now. You cannot look to her to save the MR, past ending the A and getting through the withdrawals......Not right now. If she really is going NC and withdrawals, then the woman is doing all she can probably handle at the moment.

I think when she starts to really work at US things will get better. The struggle is now ME - how to continue to show love and respect, when I'm not shown that in return.

I agree about the respect. In what context are you referring her not respecting you? Is it her not working with the transparency? Perhaps she has never seen it from your perspective. If I had not been on the board, I am sure I would not have been so willing. Perhaps she has never thought it being a lack of respect for you, since she only sees it invading her privacy. And since her own Pastor doesn't endorse it, why would she?

Let me say this about her showing you love and working on the R. Again, I know I have been strong in telling you how important it is that the WW is willing and agrees to H's conditions at the point of reconciliation. What I am not sure about is if you were expecting her throw herself 100% into all of these things at the getgo, or if this frustration all stems from her lack of transparency. Just in case anyone reading this has misunderstood anything I have said along these lines.....let me try to clarify. I still say yes to all of it. However, she has to do a heck of a job internally before she can start putting energy on the external.....such as showing you love (aside from the NC with OM), such as working on areas you want to see from her, etc. She can, and should show respect from the first minute of reconciling. It doesn't take that much to be respectful. I did not show a lack of respect (that I recall) when I decided to stay, but I still had tons and tons of resentment. I remember my H saying he expected me to put 110% effort into the MR. Well.....now I get it, but at that time, he might as well as chopped off my head b/c I was little more than a walking corpse as it was. I was too messed up to put that kind of energy into our R. All my energy had to go into fighting the withdrawals and the depression. Make sense? The more pressure he placed on me.......and I saw nothing from him (a different case, maybe than you), it actually made it worse.

So what I am saying to you and anyone else facing a new reconciliation with a WS, is to make sure you are not hounding them and/or expecting too much too fast. She cannot take care of your pain, just as you can't take care of hers. Each of you have your own work cut out for you. The LBH cannot sit back and expect her to do it all. (And I am not saying you have, by any means. Just speaking to the board as a whole here).

I have NO problems at work, and in my other relationships. I'm apt to think 'Am I like this with everyone?', but that's just not the case - I don't have BEST friends, but I make friends easily, and am able to put people at ease - I'm a salesperson! I'm good at it. That's why I went into sales.

How come I can fail so miserably with one person, the person I love the most? Is it that she's got her demons to face, and I'm just in the way right now?

Well, number one, you don't live any of those people. You don't hold them accountable for their behavior, and you don't have the same expectations from them as you do for your own W. And......I'll just bet when you are showing what a great salesman you are, those customers have not seen you on an intimate level or even seen you at you worst, like your W has. Most of all, you aren't in love with them and your job and other relationships are not the same as your MR.

Look, I am not saying you've messed up. I am not saying she isn't legit. I am just trying to get you to see how you have to give her patients. It may not be fair, but it won't work if you demand more than she. An so right now. If she simply refuses to be transparent, then you may have to deal with how it is. If you have seen that there have been NC, and you keep demanding more.........it may be the undoing, I really don't know. It may be worth your money to talk to one of the DB coaches about it.