Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

Silent and invisible sounds like a blessing right now. WH and I have been on good terms because I've been playing along. I made the mistake of thinking perhaps some reasonable coparenting conversation could happen given the calm few weeks. But no. All it did was provide him with yet another tool to beat me down with. Luckily I no longer let myself get beat--because I don't care what he thinks of me anymore. But my kids are in the middle. The kids are his last resource to effect me.

Part of me realizes that as long as I continue to be his target and his source of narcissistic supply, my kids are safe from becoming the same. But they are living in hell. I might have walked into another trap. He threw another bomb as he was walking away, knowing I was going to defend myself and I did. Honestly he doesn't care about the truth, or what I say, all he cares is that I am talking while he is walking away so that he can claim that I am harrassing him. However, his spin tactics, and his lawyers spin tactics are becoming clear in the courts. I just have to remember that and not let my guard down anymore. I don't have to defend myself to him.

I promised myself to be as ethical as possible, even if it feels unfair at the moment. It is really hard to do because my anger often wants me to seek revenge, but I refuse to act on that feeling. I would much rather live with the unfair short term events, then have to live with the guilt of trying to screw over the father of my children later. He has his own demons to deal with, and that is not my responsibility. I will learn to forgive him for his nastiness--if for no other reason but to free myself of that burden. But he will always have to live with the shame of it. And that shame--I know is the catalyst for all of his nastiness.

Any discussion I try to have about the kids' struggle with how things are, he views as an attack against him. That sounds like shame working overtime.