1st time - Do I detach or keep showing her my best

[sandi2]

The recovery stage is not fun for either of you. Stay focused on the knowledge that it will get better. Right now, her feelings for him are not the real deal. However, you can't afford to tell her how or what she feels, not unless you want a flogging. No woman appreciates a man who tries to tell her how she really feels.

It sounds as if you are trying, and it is great that you have others to support you. I'm sure your W does have a lot of good in her. Having an affair does not make a person bad, it just shows us how imperfect and vulnerable we are. I do encourage you to not make any references to yourself and how you have been good throughout all of this. Not that you have said that to her, but she still has traces of waywardness in her mindset (probably) and it may still be easy to spark some resentment. I remember seeing in my own husband, and some left behind husbands on the board, who had a twinge of self-righteousness, in my viewpoint. It doesn't mean that they did, or that you do........it just means that that is easy for the WW to think she sees about others.

We still have so much good time together right now.

That's very important, too. Keeping her as preoccupied as you can, will help her get over the affects of the affair quicker. Of course, you don't want to smother her with your presence, either. There will be times that she will need some space. The period and actions that you take during the piecing back the relationship is not the same as when she was not trying to work with you to save the M. Although there may not be too much outward appearances of effort on her part, I think she's doing about all she can at the moment. Her biggest and hardest work right now is internal. Afterwards, she will be able, hopefully, to put more energy into the external.

The hardest part is I want things... I want an apology.. I want her begging me to take her back. I want her swearing she will be the best wife ever... but I know those things won't happen. Or at least right now.

Sure you do! Every husband wants it, but I doubt you will get it anytime soon. Well, you might, but really, her waiting means that when she does tell you.......it will probably be authentic. You see, it takes time for the WW to reach the place where she feels true remorse. I'm sure that could sound outrageous to a faithful H, but she has to go through a process that only time will produce. Time, and her putting effort into trying to find herself again. Every WW I have read about has a sense of justification, based on the resentment toward her H and whatever has happened in her past. It is to the degree that she is not capable of just swallowing it and getting her act together in just a few weeks. I mean, some wives may pretend and say all the right words, however, I think most won't. They have too much negative things going on internally. It is comparable to drowning and saving yourself before you can think about saving the other person. You are essentially wanting her to save you from drowning, and she can't b/c she's trying to save herself, first. That may not be a good illustration, but it's all I have at the moment.
I guess what I am saying is that I understand what you are saying you need. I get it. I am saying that you have to take care of yourself and get encouragement from others, b/c she can't take care of your needs right now. You probably think, "Yes she can. All she has to do is say she's sorry". But for her, it is much more complicated. I can't explain it all in a few posts, but maybe you will learn enough about the mindset of a WW that it will help you to hold on a while longer. It took me a long time before I could go to my H, broken hearted for the damage I had caused. It took a long time for me to let go of my resentment of what he had done in our MR.

Btw, I have about five threads on the subject of WW's, if you want to read them. Go to Sandi's 37 Rules, and the first link is at the bottom of the rules. It is also listed in Cadets first post.

I am settling in for the long haul. My 3 kids are worth the effort, but even without them I think we have something great worth fighting for. She knows it too, but also knows she's in a bad place. Your comparison to addiction is the closest I can compare it to.

That is the way to think, and you will make it. You both will make it.

How ,ong did it take for me to get over the OM? I'm not sure. It is hard to explain. Whatever it was I felt for him didn't last that long. However, the addictive lure ate at me. I wanted the thrill. The OM had been my ego food. That's what I really craved! He wasn't even my type. But he would say all the right things to make me feel special. He gave me the attention I had not received in a long time. To turn my back on that and say. "No more",was hard. I had so many other issues I was dealing with, different perhaps from your W......but a WW has issues "before" the affair ever happens. Remember that part. Anyway, the first couple of months were really tough. It seems like it was about six months of no contact of any kind with the OM, and me coming here to the board every night until I couldn't keep my eyes open, before I could begin to feel somewhat like a human being again. But you can't base her length of time against mine. I just try to tell LBH'S that it takes longer than they think it will. She has a lot to do to get her stuff together before she can do much about the MR. Please, please, do not take this as discouragement. I don't beat around the bush when I give information. It is not to pull you down, but to prepare you by giving you this information.......and telling you that your M can be saved. Yes, my M was saved and we are still together. I will not lie and tell you it is quick and easy. It is not. It will be the hardest thing you've ever gone through, but you can make it. You believe in God, and you can get your strength from Him. Keep your eyes on Him.