Pink's Journey: Moving Forward is not enough

[Sotto]

Hello lovely. Sorry not posted sooner...early start & long day. I think this is the critical part here:

"XH just stood there like a wet dog. I asked if everything was OK, which he did not answer. Then I moved closer and asked what was going on. He started crying, not hysterically, just sad and lots of tears. I pulled him in by his jacket and closed the door then asked what was wrong and what have happened, he said it was just life. I then looked him in the eyes and stated more then question: Why did you do this to us XH. Look at us. (here, I would just validate - I'm sorry you're feeling that way - do you see how your hurt led you to ask this question?)

XH said: I know, I just don't know what to do.

Cira said: Well, I will live my life the best way I can, and you will live yours. Be happy with your decision, follow your path, be happy with your French girlfriend.
He cut me off and said kind of mad that he does not have any girlfriend, that he is alone and that I need to believe him. (if you hadn't alluded to the TauC, this would never have happened - he switched straight from sad to mad.)

Cira said: Well, I believe you can have a good night, see you later. Gave him a big hug, got a very tight hug back. Gave him a kiss on his chick and got one on mine. I closed the door right away. (This part I liked.)

If something like this happens again, to me opening the door a chink could be a) purely validating and being sympathetic as I've fed back above, and doing all else that you did, or b) maybe asking him if he wanted do come in for coffee. Then listening to him talk and validating, and nothing else - no mention of OW, no asking what he wants - just being there as a non-judgemental friend would be. Perhaps just for half an hour - nothing too heavy - then gently showing him the door when you have had coffee.

I think the mistake would be to push too hard or let your own hurt out at this stage. All you are wanting to show him is that the door may be open a tiny chink here, but I don't want to get back on the rollercoaster. We're not going to jump into bed together. But we have a history, you and I. I can see that you are sad, and I will be here for you for a little while tonight. Then that's it. Next day, you go about your day and think nothing of it. And if the same thing happens again, you could make a little time for him again with no expectations.

Also, I think take the pressure off yourself. You don't need to decide right now whether you love him or want to be with him. All you need to decide is whether you want to open the door a chink. The rest can wait for another time. Above all, protect your own heart and act in a way you will look back on and feel at peace with.

JMHO of course, and I'm glad your group is going well & you're making new friends xx