Let me be among the first to welcome you to our community. There are wonderful people here that are experiencing similar issues and they will be along to support you.
I can relate, in part, to your wife. Although, I did not have a childhood like she experienced, I think anyone can go through what she is feeling right now. My husband and I had been married for many years and life had taken its toll on our family. I had been very unhappy with him for a long time, and my feelings shut down. I met OM on line and began an Internet affair that almost led me to destroying my marriage. However, I stumbled my way to the DB board one night, and I received extremely good advice. It was a huge part in guiding me in savingq myself and my marriage. I have been here since 2007 in trying to pay forward the help I received.
Your wife is probably very depressed, which is natural coming out of any kind of an affair. Emotional affairs are highly addictive. I give her credit for being transparent in her phone/computer activity and seeking help with a counselor. Your part will not be easy, either. It takes so much patient on the part of the betrayed husband. And, the more understanding you have about these matters, the better you will be equipped to getting the relationship back on track.
I can only imagine a little girl growing up like she did, and how she would learn very early to guard her emotions. From your standpoint, you are probably looking for some sign, some emotion from her that will show hope. At the moment, it is taking all she has to just get through the withdrawal period from her affair. It is as strong as getting off some drug addiction. The hardest period for her will be while she's going through the withdrawal. When I was going through it, I often felt like I had died and only my body was walking around.....and surely my soul had already left. I felt nothing but a huge void.
It was very hard on my husband, b/c like you, he wanted to see me putting effort back not the marriage relationship. I, on the other hand, had been what we call a wayward wife, and it was not something that could or would snap back immediately. I tell you this, not to discourage you but to arm you with the information my husband did not have. He became very depressed when he did not see me trying harder to be the woman I once had been. I want you to know that it takes a long time for her to get through this depression, deal with the feelings of the affair, and the why she isn't feeling much for you at the moment.
One reason she isn't experiencing any passion for you is b/c she has to get over the emotions for the OM. Although the affair is over, her feelings cannot switch over so quickly. Women don't love (sexual love/desire) but one man at a time. That's how she's made. So she has to get rid of all traces of the feelings she had for him. And the hardest part of those "feelings" for him....was pure fantasy. I have no doubt that she had built this up in her mind to be the answer to all her dreams, and all her problems. He was going to be her prince. To give up that fantasy is very hard, and draining, and depressing.
You may think I am presumptuous about someone I don't even know. Truthfully, all wayward wives (WW) have similar symptoms, just like some diseases can be diagnosed by their symptoms. Waywardness is not a disease, however, when it really takes over a person's life, you wonder if some alien has replaced the wife you knew.
It is very, very similar to a midlife crisis. I think many people have labeled their spouse as having a MLC, when actually, they were wayward. It seems easier for some people to accept the idea that it's a MLC. Anyway, you will see the majority here in newcomers have a wayward spouse. Most of the husbands are the nice-guy types, which I find interesting, but more on that subject later.
So, make yourself acquainted with the board and the folks who practically here. And please read those links Cadet gave you. They are very important for a newcomer. Feel free to ask questions. Most of all, read Divorce Remedy to get the principles behind this board.
I hope you will post often, b/c that's what it takes to get more responses. Oh, and don't worry, everyone doesn't post as long as I do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
