My W called me on my cell phone and told me she opened up her own checking account, not that I mind, because it is something we had discussed. She was upset because yesterday we had a certian amount of money in our joint checking account, and today it was considerably less. I quickly got on the net and pulled up our account and told her in a calm voice what had gone through, our checking account has been a source of many an arguement in the past.
The heart palpatations came when she was discussing her vehicle that she wrecked and how the local Ford dealership has had it for a week and the rental car bill is mounting up. I told her not to worry about it and that we'd take care of it, she said, "Well, I'm the one thats going to be stuck with the car payment after the D, so you shouldn't care." Everytime she mentions the D word, my heart skips a beat and I get sick to my stomach, and I instinctivley want to go into pity mode were I try and talk her out of it, but I am bound and determined that I will not do it. I had thought she may have noticed that I was not the same person I used to be and was becoming a better person and a "real man". I realize it has only been a month since she dropped the bomb, but man! This is killing me inside.
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
Lone, Take a deep breath and remember...like the broadcasting industry says..."this is a test, it is only a test, had this been a real emergency (divorce threat) you would be sitting in an empty house right now."
The "D" word is your wife's safety net for when she's frustrated by something and doesn't know how to deal with it rationally. Let it roll off you shoulders. T2
I know T2, I know. I just feel like bawling my eyes out right now. HOW COULD I LET IT COME TO THIS! I feel so stupid. I guess it is normal to have these ups and downs, at least thats what everyone tells me. I do think that she sounded a little calmer after we talked, but I hope it just isn't my imagination taking over.
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
Quote: The "D" word is your wife's safety net for when she's frustrated by something and doesn't know how to deal with it rationally. Let it roll off you shoulders
Thanks T2... this is really the truth, but hadn't thought about it until you said it.
Quote: HOW COULD I LET IT COME TO THIS!
What the heck does this mean? HOW DID YOU let it come to this??? Honey, you didn't. You did the best you knew how, now you will do better. Please don't blame yourself, move forward. Work on you, be busy, keep reading.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks holdinon. I am working on myself via anger management therapy, this site, Michele's books, my Mens accountibility/support group, and a host of other resources. What I meant by that statement, was due to my inability to control my anger, and my issues with trust and trying to control my W, I basically drove her to this point. I was just having a down moment yesterday and lost my PMA for a little while.
Dustin
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
I don't mean to be a pest, and I know this is trivial, but if you keep to one thread, it helps us follow you better. You don't have to start a new thread for a new question. You can keep the same thread for about 150 posts.
The best thing about all of this crap is the growth that is forces us to do. So, in the end, regardless of outcome, we will be better people.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
That little caveat that you dropped on your other thread says a whole heck of a lot....
You're wife had an "extra marital affair" early on in the relationship and YOU'RE wondering how YOU became an angry guy? HELLO !!! Can you spell reaction to betrayal? Maybe, alot of your 'anger' and fear of abandonment is directly attached to your inability after that crisis to get the necessary counselling and support you needed back then and so your suppressed/unresolved feelings from that time came to the surface as self protection and anger?
You my friend are beating yourself up wayyyyyyyy to much...this M didn't go bad just because 'you're an angry' guy...it's gone bad because your W doesn't know how to act appropriately in a committed relationship either...
We're ALL angry Dustin...now it's just a matter of learning how to deal with that anger...just as YOU are doing now. Jan (T2)
Should I let her know about the Divorce Remedy and Divorce busting books? She was reading the "Stop your Divorce!" book after all, and I have gotten rid of that one since it advocates dating other people, which I would think might be counter-productive to what you're trying to do.
"Anyone who is among the living, has hope." (Eccl 9:4)
Dustin, I would not. I would keep those as my support. You never know how the WAS will view those books. Years from now, when the two of you are doing wonderful, you can look back nostalgically and tell her.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I agree 100% with Holding...DO NOT let your W read the books. She will use them against you. Everytime she sees you doing something that was suggested in the books she will use that info to reinforce her negativity towards you. She will tell you that you're only saying this or that because the BOOK TOLD YOU TO, or the only reason you're acting a certain way is because the BOOK TOLD YOU TO...she'll refuse to accept the fact that the book is teaching YOU something, she'll see it as 'acting' phoney. T2
