I think most people here agree that you should have the weekends or at least alternate weekends to yourself.
Sometimes in these cases it is good to change something in a contract, agreement or what have you, just to chuck in your 2 cents worth and leave a mark. A way of letting the other person know you agree but they dont have full control.
Your W wants to leave you and live on her own or maybe with someone else, does not matter. You have your life to live, alone or with someone else too. If either one has objectophilia you may even start a relationship with the toaster who cares.
The point is she can no longer demand you adjust your life to suit hers. As we say here, she has to accept the ripe with the rotten. If you tomorrow start a relationship with someone who wants some alone time with you are you going to shut that door because your STBX wants to work nights and during the weekend?
Secondly, I do not know what your STBX does for a living but I really never met someone who volunteers to work weekend nights and I know a few people with nigh shifts. It seems puzzling that. Does she work during the day the rest of the week?
You mention you do not get to tell her how to live her life but she is indirectly telling you how to live yours but forcing you to adjust your schedule and wishes around hers. By saying that word you hate using "NO" you can stop her from running your life without telling her how to run hers.
It is boundary setting. You stop her from affecting your life.
Understand?
Of course any time you disagree with what the STBX wants they will get p1ssed off, its part of the game. After a few arguments and they see you wont back down they will stop. Give in and you will forever be the doormat.
A word of advice ... women dont like doormats and children grow resentful of weak parents. If one partner loses respect for the other, s/he is only showing the way for the children to follow and invalidate the weak parent.
Regarding your daughter it is her choice. You have to detach from your daughter as well. Carry on being as good a father as you can to her but she has to make the first move.
I scr3wed up as a dad, I apologized to my son, told him I can never make it up to him but would like a second chance. I worked on it and today he tells me whats is happening in his life and pesters to take him go karting. He is 23 but I never stopped being the authorative figure. I still reprimanded anything I saw was wrong and we did have fallouts because with these actions the child always thinks the parent is unfair no matter what until they come around.
I knew what education I wanted for my son and what kind of a man I wanted him to be. The message never changed. Only the messenger.
When sh1t hits the fan everyone brings out their claws. Its at times like these that you need character G.
I have said this over and over and over and over. I have seen other members say this also in other words. The message however seems to get lost somewhere.
I see new posters making the same mistakes we ignorantly made at the beginning which is understable. The problem however is that they continue treating the WAS/WS in the same way. They ask some of the daftest questions imaginable, not because they are stupid but because they are lost, unsure, insecure and question everything.
Here is where we beat the pain out of our system with violent acts of integrity and respect. Respect for ourselves. How can we ask if it is ok to hug or cuddle our WS if we then say we are upset because they are texting OP? Why do we leave the MBR when it is our WS that has created the situation?
I have told you many times as have others here to be strong and defiant and protect yourself. You messed up being the man you were during your marriage. You are not getting anywhere being the man she says you weren't during your marriage. What kind of man is there left for you to be? What kind of man do you want to be G?
Sandi once said something along the lines of how important it is how you interact with your spouse.
She could never have said a better truth.
How you interact with your S determines your chance at success whatever your goal. I love my W and I like to think things are improving. Things have changed and we do more stuff together and looking back 1 year ago there are positive steps. The problem is the marriage I want now has nothing to do with the one I was living until recently. I now understand that quote about the old M being dead and working on a new R. It is true.
It seems she is also wanting a change so that seems cool. I do not know how it will end but I have had to change my chip and stand strong on certain issues. I have made mistakes along the way. I am not perfect but I realized that doing the opposite of what I did in the past works.
As for some of your earlier posts, when you scr3w up dont go back asking for forgiveness. Especially if it is recurring or similar incidents. One big NO NO ... DO NOT TOUCH HER. EVER. You are not in that position yet.
I realized in my situation that I needed to appreciate my W as a woman and no longer as my W. She needed to look at me as a man and not her H. Seems weird saying this but at this stage we both sucked at that job. I looked at it like reinventing myself. She had to disassociate me from the guy she was unhappily married to. I had to do the same. We needed the passion and spark to re ignite but needed some work before getting there.
Carrying on being the same H and W was not the key.
You have to stop thinking of yourself as G and as her H. You have to quit thinking that just because you shared a day in the same house without an argument you are getting along. You have to remember that while she is in the house with you she is plotting her exit strategy. You are not her H anymore. Just a sad reminder of a life that once was.
You go to the gym, question going out with friends, spend time with your kids and that seems to go nicely. However when it comes to interacting with her everything goes up sh1t creek. All those things you are doing on your own are not getting you any nearer.
You must let her be, start looking at yourself and stop thinking with the words I have to ... I will try ... and start using the ones I have ... I did ....
