Anna...you make me smile. You wanted to give me a 2x4 yesterday but didn't. You're a peach so Thank you.
Now. Onto your 2x4.
I mind read. Hello. My name is Rain and I'm a mind reader.
Hi Rain!
Ugh. I know I shouldn't Anna. I know. It's just SO hard not to and for it to not be a negative mind read when virtually everything Ive thought was happening and the reasons behind him doing certain things has been so spot on.
But...
It hasn't changed anything. He still did/does as he pleases. And I have taken that to he heart. Agreed that It hasn't been for long, but no matter what mind reading I'm doing, all he hears is me saying I believe in him.
As for this..."I know transparency and total commitment are the big things you're seeking from him, and he hasn't been able to offer those to you yet. But just because he can't offer those today doesn't mean he never will, or that all other efforts are fake or meaningless. Baby steps."
You're right. Since he hasn't seen fit to give me what I want I assume he never will. And maybe he won't but there is a slight chance. I used to convince myself he didn't love me. Now I think he does. Just not in the way I want him to love me. But again, there's always that chance things might turn around once he is done with what he needs to do. Maybe it will happen is better than it will absolutely never happen.
I have done a lot wrong. A. Friggin. LOT. But I can say that I have always believed in him and told him as much. More than he has ever believed in himself. But I can keep doing it. Who doesn't love a cheerleader?!
And R talks SHOULD be off the table except he keeps bringing it up.
And this...my H tried really hard after his A was uncovered to really make amends. But the level of deception he'd engaged in to cover it up in the first place still made it really difficult for me to trust him. As he grew more and more resentful of the fact he was making all these efforts for me and I still couldn't give him full trust, he started to say things like, "what difference does it make...I might as well be doing all these bad things because you think I am, anyway." And slowly, he quit trying,"
First. Im sorry Anna. I know how this pains you.
Second...as we've discussed before....our situations are similar. XF has said both of those things to me too.
I don't know why I try, it never makes a difference with you
You listen but you don't hear what I'm saying
You're never going to see me as anything different than you do now
And also....
I may as well be having an A if all you do is bitch and accuse me. (while actively in affair lol)
I need to 180 my sitch. I need to do a lot of things. Grr. This is hard.
