He loves me he loves me not

[JulieH]

Feeling very raw and emotional right now. I called my husband on my way home from work with the hopes of a talk that would help connect me. The more distance and space, the more of a stranger he becomes. I want to shake him and tell him, "don't you see. I am about to give up. Do something, before it becomes too late".
Instead I made small talk and he was friendly, no anger in his voice but nothing beyond superficial conversation. He was packing and couldn't stay on long, which only added to my feelings of detachment and rejection.
I felt compelled to call back and start some type of fight or push for relationship talk, anything to make for some attention, but I didnt. Instead I turned on radio real loud. Radio head and tool was on and I just drove home crying. Something I hadn't done for a long time. His actions are saying it all. He doesn't call, he does nothing to work for reconciliation. He doesn't need me or want me back bad enough. Why am I continuing to waste my energy on this? It's all spelled out for me quite clearly. Why should I be pathetic, hanging on to someone that is certainly "no special unicorn" as another poster once said to me.

I wish I could go for a long, fast run but It it is late and dark and raining. I have pent up emotions and I long for emotional and physical connection. But I have no one.

I try to remind myself that when he called/ texted me while I was on my vacation, I was rushing off phone with him because I had too much going on, and it was not a reflection of my desire for reconciliation. If he had pushed for real talk while I was busy I would have resented it so I am not going to do it now. But I still expect more. If a female that a man was attracted to called, a man would make time for her over most things. The fact that I have been put behind everything for so long says enough. No I am not a special unicorn either. But still. I am/was his wife.

i don't think he will ever be willing to work on it or perhaps maybe when it's too late. But even that I am doubting.