WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE Part II

[trumpet]

W reiterated that W doesn't love me, that she still has feelings for OM, but NC is in effect. W cannot forgive me for the porn and 'crap' I put her thru for 15 years. I have forgiven wife, but have a hard time with hurt and resentment. W feels that because I'm still hurt that I have not completely forgiven her.

And she doesn't see the double standard in her not forgiving you but she doesn't like it if she thinks you have not completely forgiven her!

Does the Pastor know that you had sex 15 times in 14 years? I think it is important he know, if he is going to counsel with you both.

If I choose to want complete Reconciliation, I'm going to have to acknowledge to my W that what I did was just as bad as what she has done. That's really difficult for me - my heart was never with the computer, but to my W, my heart was never with her. Her heart is still with OM.

Is that what your Pastor said?

Every day this goes on, I feel like I'm trapped. Trapped in a doomed marriage to a woman incapable of expressing the love I need and want. To a woman who really resents me with every fiber of her being, to the point she gets physically upset being around me and has to leave the room.

She is just too resentful right now. She has all these feelings for the OM, and she has all this anger toward you. If she can maintain NC until she gets through the withdrawals, then she will be in better shape to make progress. Right now, she sees you as being self-righteous and claiming your sin is not as bad as hers. She feels it is unfair to request transparency from her, and may resent the fact that none was required from you during your porn days.

I know what she's experiencing. It doesn't mean she's right or wrong, I just know how she feels. It is hell for both of you.

Yes, Sandi - pastor treats the sins the same. What I did is just as bad as what Wife did. At least he sees healing from it happening in the same way. What throws us is how differently we're healing. If it was at the same rate, or close to it, I can see reconciliation happening successfully. If my wife continues to hold huge anger, resentment, and spite for me, there isn't anything for me to hold onto. When is she going to forgive and work on us? Who knows! We have 3 months to work on things, and decide if the divorce will continue on. If we do nothing, the divorce continues. If my wife is in the same spot as she is now, I would likely see the divorce moving forward - she'd see the three months, and her not forgiving me as the sign that we were wrong from the start. Me not working on the relationship? Another sign. Her still angry? Another sign.

Unless SHE decides to really work on herself, and then make efforts towards US, it's where it's headed. I can forgive her all I want, speak her LL, do nothing but be happy around her, but in the end, she has the timer set. Her scorecard is still tallying marks.

Yes, and it's tough. And the more I self-actualize, the more I'll be OK with or without her. It's like a slippery slope - every day the thought "would it really be THAT bad to divorce from a wife who doesn't love me, and might not ever love me?" Scary to think about.

My vows and my committment keep me here. My wife has said more than once since I trampled on my vows with the pornography, she is allowed to divorce me, and since she cheated, I'm allowed to divorce her. That the vow means nothing once you break it.

We are human - we break things. We make promises we can't keep. If the possibility of someone screwing up would lead them to not have a relationship with me, so be it. That's on them. Life is messy.

Also, that advice is something I need to heap on myself. My wife screwed up, and I have forgiven her - I think I have. What does forgiveness look like? True forgiveness?

It's tough to imagine what forgiveness is when you grant forgiveness, but get nothing in return, and actually get scorn and resentment in return. It's what Jesus did, and I need to be more like him. That's what I'm leaning on.

Lots of 'what if?' and 'if this happens, then what?' questions rattling around in my brain.