WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE Part II

[kyrie]

Session with pastor last night.
Wasn't counseling as it was him trying to catch up with us.
W reiterated that W doesn't love me, that she still has feelings for OM, but NC is in effect. W cannot forgive me for the porn and 'crap' I put her thru for 15 years. I have forgiven wife, but have a hard time with hurt and resentment. W feels that because I'm still hurt that I have not completely forgiven her.

He challenged me on my comments that I have forgiven my W. Since I have brought up the affair in the past week, have I truly forgiven her? I think he was right - I have to think thru what it truly looks like to forgive someone.

He was equally, if not more tough on my W. He pinpointed to her what I've told her (but shouldn't have): she has been forgiven, and she must learn to forgive me for my adultery (he and my wife agree that my pornography is just as bad as her adultery). How can she forgive herself? That she will need time to forgive, and that I need to give her the space to do that.

If I choose to want complete Reconciliation, I'm going to have to acknowledge to my W that what I did was just as bad as what she has done. That's really difficult for me - my heart was never with the computer, but to my W, my heart was never with her. Her heart is still with OM.

The session ended with each other getting asked what a loving, selfless marriage looks like. For my wife, she commented on the things she needs were the things I was doing, and wanted see me continue to do. I was asked what could W do to love me, like in the past? I then dropped what I think made my wife upset and think the rest of the night: that I don't know if she has ever showed me true love, and has ever met my emotional and physical needs. Having sex 15 times in 14 years (the first year we did have sex more often) meant we have had no emotional or physical connection for me. That to her, acts of service is her LL, and that list is ever growing. Keeping score to her is really important.

I want to be in a marriage - to my wife. I want to work on things. But my greatest fear, relayed to them, is that I will find myself with someone who can never forgive me, and cannot show any love or affection. That the affection she wants to share is only what sneaks out of her, and what she's willing to give, not what want. That all this work could be for naught.

She did not talk to me the rest of the night, on the drive home, or when she went to bed.

She's still upset today - posted a satirical comic on FB pointing to a husband's inadequacy vs. his wife's doing things for him for 15 years - husband thinks he's awesome for doing things for 2 months. It spoke right to us, and the timeframes we're on. I did call her up and ask her what she meant by posting that - and to her, it's just a big joke. That hurting my feelings wasn't considered, and that she was expressing herself, that her feelings mattered.

She did apologize and took down the post. But it's still indicative of a WW who doesn't understand what she's done.
I'm still to blame for her actions, that if '15 years of crap' weren't there, and I was willing to take what little love my wife has shown me, she wouldn't have cheated on me.

It really s*%ks that I continue to have an unremorseful WW who doesn't see the consequences for her actions. That I should be dancing every day that she's here, even if she's treating me poorly. It feels like every day could be torture, if she chooses to act unlovingly toward me, and to her, she has every right to.

Every day this goes on, I feel like I'm trapped. Trapped in a doomed marriage to a woman incapable of expressing the love I need and want. To a woman who really resents me with every fiber of her being, to the point she gets physically upset being around me and has to leave the room.

This is really tough. I need to detach after every interaction with her, as if I have to detox from the experience.

All she's looking for is happy conversations, as if I was a gay friend. To keep her company. That should be enough for me, right? It was enough for me for 15 years, so I shouldn't expect any more effort from her. Ugh.

Digging deep to keep myself together today.

Sounds like some terrible feelings, that we're pretty familiar with. As a W, I've said/done similar things in a 'passive aggressive' attempt at showing my H how I feel. Stupid, ineffective & disrespectful - not even thinking about how it would come across or feel. I can say it's not intentional. But it still hurts. And so does she. She's stuck in a prison of resentment. As a Christian, once I saw that, it opened up a huge (slow) cascade of understanding and the ability to see my own actions. Over and over we're encouraged and even commanded to cast off bitterness and resentments.
It was a book, "Fierce Women" by Kimberly Wagner and of course the EA insanity that helped me realize it. The book laid it all out in clear terms the how & why. It's one thing to nod our heads in agreement with a concept or principle. It's another to finally see the plank in our own eye. I hope she can someday see it. That book did it for me.