I BELIEVE I was the reason my marriage failed. Not 100% the reason but I blame myself. From september to december before the separation we started fighting A LOT.
WE NEVER used to fight and then I STARTED getting paranoid about him cheating on me. He never wanted to go out and then started too. One night he went out and never came home. He spent the night at a male coworkers after a party completely trashed and I let him have it. I couldnt let it go even though he cried and said sorry 100 times and his friends all said he was coming home then passed out and no one had my phone nunber.
I accused him of cheating, I used to have the passwords to EVERYTHING and then I WENT INTO super stalker mode of hacking his stuff to SEE. there was never anything BUT he caught me.
He said how can he be with someone who doesnt even trust him when he does nothing to show that he would ever hurt me. He then said he broke his trust and privacy and changed the passwords too everything and said I needed to learn to trust him.
It got so bad I made him PROVE he was working overtime and not going to some girls house overnight. HE WAS SO ANGRY that day but he really was working overtime. The MORE I PUSHED the more he withdrew and the more he WITHDREW. The more EMOTIONAL I GOT trying to FIX things and the MORE HE WITHDREW.
It made things worse for me. I started asking who he was talking to 24-7. What he was doing. I legit went crazy and then he snapped, said I was sufficating him and making him miserable, and asked for the separation(divorce).
It took me up until maybe yesterday or so to see how much I ruined our happy marriage by doing EVERYTHING wrong. I snapped. I really snapped back then.
I dont know if there is any coming back from that. I dont know.
I REALLY want to be the strong loveable women. IM SCARED I AM GOING NUTS.
When we first started dating I was a size 12 and around 190lbs. I had a flat stomach and was solid from working out. When i had my daughter I went to 265lbs and it was a bad pregnancy.
I had gestational diabetes, I was on a diet, they said I was like a 45 year old trying to have a baby medically. It was high risk and HARD EVEN THOUGH I WAS 18. Very very hard on me.
Then we got married and I had my son, I had lost half the weight and gained it back. I gave birth to him at 285lbs. HOLY MOLY. I was a size 22 and 270 lbs after him. I worked very hard the last 3 years to loose it. I was stuck at a size 14-16 220 lbs for at least the last 18 months but wasnt happy.
I am a SAHM so most days I WOULD hangout in comdy clothes with my hair up and be home. NOW EVEN if I am home ALL DAY I GET DRESSED, to my hair and makeuo and try to make myself look good. For me and for him to notice that hey she doesnt sit around in hobo pajamas all week.
Now with him gone I am back down to 195 and a size 12. The body I had before kids..except from loosing so much weight my stomach has saggy excess skin. I hate it so much and everyone knows it.
I will try your techniques. He always tells me he knows me inside and out, every fiber of my soul, and he does. He knows how to make me cry with a simple sentence or to make me feel loved with a simple touch. I am hoping by DB AND 180 he can see that OH I guess I dont know her as much as I thought.
Yes I have some idea of when he has a bad day at work. Thats the problem though he NEVER would talk about work. It made me feel left out. Until his friends would tell me about one guy killing himself, one guy throwing poo at them and threating to hunt down and kill their families, etcetc. He says he wants to protect me from behming worried about him and thats why he never tells me the bad.
I have always been a stay at home mom. I have only had one job before him and it was for like 6 months summer job. I have never had a bank account. Everything was in his name since he has bought, and paid for everything in mine and the kids life. Everything. We figured when I got a job that we would put my name on the account and bills.
He always gave me his debit card and I would always have access to moneynso it wasnt a big deal to me. Being separated now though I need to ask for money and he will take it out and bring me it. I dont have the debit card anymore and I had feeling like this.
Even separated now he will give me money to go out with my friends if i want to go out. For his cousins bachelorette party he gave me 100$ to buy a dress and pay for dinner and drinks out. He still takes care of me and makes sure that I am okay.
He wanted me to be able to be a stay at home mom, have that time with the kids, love them and be there for them like his mom got to be and then work when they go to elementary school.
I am now trting to find a job. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS BEING 24 with NO EXPERIENCE. I have applied to over 140 Jobs on my job website and nothing still.
Yes I have faith. I started teying to go to church more. I started trying to read my bible more and know that there is a plan for everyone. You only get what you can handle in life so as long as I'm not physically dying that somehow I will make it out of here alive.
Having to write this out made me cry. REALLY cry and open my eyes to things. I DONT KNOW WHY I AM CRYING.
I really adore you pink. I dont know you but you are making me see and question and think and help me.
