Extremely confused

[Sotto]

Hi Keefa, I'm so sorry for how you are feeling. It sounds as though you are doing many of the right things, and I do think there is an element of faith here. If you trust the process and continue to do the right things, there comes a tipping point when you realise you have felt at peace for a while in your garage and doing your car. There comes a time when you go out with friends and realise you have a good time and feel happy, despite the situation with your M.

I think the part to work on is the part where you feel you have "lost everything" and I think this is the time to put your marital situation in it's rightful place. For all of us, we are individuals with multifaceted lives that include work, kids, friends, hobbies, health and R's. R's are one dimension of many - an important dimension - but nonetheless, we may have a full and rich life despite the loss of our partner. When I read your post above, I'm reminded of the quote I once read - we are never solely dependent on another for our happiness. In my sitch, it has helped to practice gratitude for those parts of my life that remain good or have improved despite the loss of my M - and there are many of those things. Exploring the theme of codependency is useful for all DBers I think - Have you read Codependent no more or NMMNG?

I'm not sure if you've seen the TED talk by Shawn Achor on happiness? It is worth watching (he has a book too, which I haven't read) for the happiness plan he suggests. The beauty of this plan is it is all about you, and the practices he suggests are ones that can serve us all well in our lives going forwards.

I understand how much you want your W back. However, for now she isn't 'in' the M - she's cold and has filed for D. That could change at some point, but why would you put your life on hold 'just in case.' Please try to put your love for her in a little box and store that box on a high shelf in the garage. You may or may not want to get it down again at some point in the future - but please don't have the box open on the kitchen counter and look into it every day.

Another theme to think about is acceptance versus impatience. If you can accept how your life is now, and work your best with what you have, that is the best way. Looking over your shoulder and feeling frustrated about nothing having impact (yet) will worsen how you feel about things. If you can keep putting your energy into other parts of your life, and keep shifting the focus away from your W, that's the best plan. It's good that you are seeing a therapist. Are you managing to keep the focus on you in those sessions?

Another thing to consider is mindfulness practice (part of the Shawn Achor plan) which may help counterbalance the busyness. Hope this helps & I'm not saying move on - it doesn't sound as though you are ready to do that. However, I hope you can keep moving solidly forward with hope and gratitude in your heart.

Take care