11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Pink - You are an inspiration. Red, if you haven't, do read through Pink's threads as an amazing example of the work we have to put into ourselves.
I'm actually going to be brief and answer your question about the hurt, pain, and happiness as someone on the other side of the fence. Your pain is normal, and there is no way to ever prepare for this. The most important thing is to keep your head up in front of your WAH and your children, then be a mess on your own dime. Even in piecing I still feel it. It gets easier and more rare as time goes on.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Thank you so much for your post. I have read it over at least 3-4 times I hope that I can be like you. This is my goal. I would love to be a happier, better, me.
I wish I knew what was going on inside my WAH brain. I wish I knew how to help him and be there for him even though he is putting me through this. I have to remember What you said that its his crisis and it will take as long as he needs to deal with it.
I will Try to be gentle on myself and my WAH. I get caught up in worrying if What I'm doing will push him away even more even though I NEED to focus on myself.
I kind of feel the same way. That I'm lost and not sure of who I a.m. anymore and it scares me.
I love the advice you have me for How you Did things. I do know losing weight and looking good is all for him. 20% makes me feel good but I'm always worried he will loose his attraction to me. He still wants my physically and tells me Im very pretty..I Just wish he wanted me emotionally still.
I do need to let go of his loco mode. Hes hot then cold, does one thing then reminds me hes still leaving. It breaks my heart. I know this is why I have to detach and have boundaries. To protect my own heart and self worth.
Yes I plan on trying to meet up and talk to some L asap just so I'm not in the dark as much. I need to be prepared even though it hurts.
I will look into all the types of books you have mentioned. I will start slow and try to get some more knowledge so I'm not as lost.
I have a book the everyday I write what happened, not a long story but if he spends the night. If he sees the kids. If he gives me money and how much. Keep track of that stuff. I will make sure I have copies of important papers that I can get ahold of.
You gave me a lot of homework and things to work on and look into. Thank you again. Hope to hear from you soon.
Thank you squiggy I am trying to remember to keep a strong front. I will admit he made me cry this saturday and I wish I hadnt but I'm trying to never cry in front of him again. I was happy I didnt break down and cry just a few tears. I will go read her old posts for sure!!
I feel weird texting him. Usually we text and it is like always kinda cute, flirty, fun from him but I'm trying to keep it polite. Usually he texts me like we did while we were married.
One text is bothering me that I sent. Was it too much to tell him thank you for helping me with his own kids? I want to be polite with out coming off as fake or booty kissing.
Thank you for helping me last night when I needed you.I hope you have an easy night at work. I will call incase of an emergency but if not they are fine.
He said regardless to text him or call him later for an update even if they are fine before I go to sleep and to make sure I get rest tonight.
(Last night he told me he was coming(i didnt ask) and had his captain let him leave in the middle of a shift and drove to my house to watch the son and then stayed overnight to make sure I could sleep some and help if he needed me once I got home from the ER. We did sleep in the same bed from 6-9am and i woke up at one point with him snuggle but I just rolled away. I know at night when he is half asleep it is more out of habit then it is anything else and letting it go.)
I know I need a bed boundary, I'm weak when it comes to that area. I just enjoy not being alone in the bed and dont have really the balls to say go sleep on the couch. I know I could but I dont really want to either. I dont see any sleepovers happening anytime soon. Its maybe once a month if he wants to.. I never ask him too.
He called me from work to tell me he is changing the days he is keeping the kids because he has new plans tomorrow. I decided to try to 180 my response and it actually worked very well.
I know I come off annoyed or very whatever when it comes to him cancelling on the kids for his friends because it hurts them which hurts me. We still are doing the whole..OH daddy just has to work a lot right now.
I just said okay, sounds good I'll see you then.
He was kinda shocked. He was like oh well, is that okay? I can cancel my plans. Then told me exactly what his plans were and what he was doing and with who.
I said have fun, sounds like a good time. I'll see you thursday. Bye.
I feel good about it. I dont have the annoying feeling since I DIDNT let it annoy me, I accepted what he was doing, and moved on from it. MAYBE Im finally figuring out how to do my 180s the right way.
First, you are very new in this whole thing. Many things you do will only fall into place after you are doing it for quite awhile.
Second, you are not a robot, you are a human being that was hit by a meteor and is still trying to get out of the floor. So, when I say be gentle with yourself is just saying that you may not be able to do everything by the book. And, by the way, every sitch is similar but no equal.
Third, it is very hard to break old habits, it will take some time for you to get adjusted to your new scenario. Without him around and all the time. Your routine is broken and now you need to create your own, what is very, very difficult.
Keeping some of the techniques going is very healthy and may help to create a chance for your H to think about things. Having goals are a source of organized thinking that you write down to yourself and is a reminder of what is priority.
Of course you are lost, most of us in this board went nuts, needed some anti depressants (like myself), got into therapy in hope we did not loose it.
It's what you do with all the loose bolts that will count of how you may come out of this mess. You may become bitter, anxious, resentful and so, or you may find a woman you may not even know yet, someone inside of you that is strong, capable, lovable. Which one you want is up to you.
If you want the bitter one, then keep obsessing yourself and she will manifest. If you want the strong and lovable then start looking into yourself.
Why do you think your M is in this mess. What was your part in the demise of your M. How did you let go on your appearance and weight.
Also, try to change things around a bit sometimes, if he comes to see the kids, be ready and as soon as he gets there, say that you will use the time to go to the mall and leave.
Other times, when you decide to stay home and is in your room. If he comes around, stand tall, say without any smile, be polite and do it without screaming or arguing: "I would like if you respect my privacy and do not come to my bedroom, if you want to see the kids, I do not have a problem you coming to the house, but please, respect my space and I would like if you do not come to my bedroom".
If he has any argument about this, you can still very polite, say to him that this is what "YOU" want from him.
He will start seeing that you have an adult inside of you, that he can't tell you what do to anymore.
Be alert that it won't be easy. He is way too use to have total control and will hurt you in some way, some word. You will listen and will let go, he is just reacting to your behavior.
Another situation for you in particular is that he is a correction officer. He deals with a lot of trash, garbage and it is hard to figure when he is more on the emotional side of things. Hope you know him well and have some hints of when he had a full bad day at work.
IMO, it seems that your H still cares a lot for you, that he may even have a lot of feelings for you. Something may have trigger his crisis. Do you have any idea of what may be the reason. We know that he has some childhood issues and that you guys married too early. Is there anything else?
Was your R very transparent? Did you have access to his email. You told us that everything is in his name, that you don't even share a bank account. Is that because you have your own bank account?
I ask this because it is not too unusual that he can be in an affair. I am not saying it is the case, but it wouldn't be impossible. Or, at least, an emotional affair that is getting him all confused.
In any way, it is more for your own info and light then it is for you go LOCO too. It is for your own protection in case there is any sex involved.
And please, never think that I am judging you. I went to a lovely hotel night with my XH = after my D was final. Funny things happen, crazy things happen...
One thing that made me and is making me very strong to face all this adversities in my life, is my faith. I do not know if you have any, but for me, it was the first thing I looked in my life and made peace with myself, I knew I had my believe with me and I know that I will be OK no matter what.
I know that V has been very spiritual too. It has helped her to get through a lot because she believes in some higher energy that help with her soul cleansing and stuff.
What is there for you? Any religion, any believe, any philosophy?
Be patient, be calm as much as you can, be polite, be a bit of that girl he fell in love with, be charming, be a little caring and a little vague, and be mysterious. If he comes, you leave. If he does not like... well too bad honey, you dump me, now I am busy living my life.
You can do it, it is not too late to make him think what he is throwing away.
I BELIEVE I was the reason my marriage failed. Not 100% the reason but I blame myself. From september to december before the separation we started fighting A LOT.
WE NEVER used to fight and then I STARTED getting paranoid about him cheating on me. He never wanted to go out and then started too. One night he went out and never came home. He spent the night at a male coworkers after a party completely trashed and I let him have it. I couldnt let it go even though he cried and said sorry 100 times and his friends all said he was coming home then passed out and no one had my phone nunber.
I accused him of cheating, I used to have the passwords to EVERYTHING and then I WENT INTO super stalker mode of hacking his stuff to SEE. there was never anything BUT he caught me.
He said how can he be with someone who doesnt even trust him when he does nothing to show that he would ever hurt me. He then said he broke his trust and privacy and changed the passwords too everything and said I needed to learn to trust him.
It got so bad I made him PROVE he was working overtime and not going to some girls house overnight. HE WAS SO ANGRY that day but he really was working overtime. The MORE I PUSHED the more he withdrew and the more he WITHDREW. The more EMOTIONAL I GOT trying to FIX things and the MORE HE WITHDREW.
It made things worse for me. I started asking who he was talking to 24-7. What he was doing. I legit went crazy and then he snapped, said I was sufficating him and making him miserable, and asked for the separation(divorce).
It took me up until maybe yesterday or so to see how much I ruined our happy marriage by doing EVERYTHING wrong. I snapped. I really snapped back then.
I dont know if there is any coming back from that. I dont know.
I REALLY want to be the strong loveable women. IM SCARED I AM GOING NUTS.
When we first started dating I was a size 12 and around 190lbs. I had a flat stomach and was solid from working out. When i had my daughter I went to 265lbs and it was a bad pregnancy.
I had gestational diabetes, I was on a diet, they said I was like a 45 year old trying to have a baby medically. It was high risk and HARD EVEN THOUGH I WAS 18. Very very hard on me.
Then we got married and I had my son, I had lost half the weight and gained it back. I gave birth to him at 285lbs. HOLY MOLY. I was a size 22 and 270 lbs after him. I worked very hard the last 3 years to loose it. I was stuck at a size 14-16 220 lbs for at least the last 18 months but wasnt happy.
I am a SAHM so most days I WOULD hangout in comdy clothes with my hair up and be home. NOW EVEN if I am home ALL DAY I GET DRESSED, to my hair and makeuo and try to make myself look good. For me and for him to notice that hey she doesnt sit around in hobo pajamas all week.
Now with him gone I am back down to 195 and a size 12. The body I had before kids..except from loosing so much weight my stomach has saggy excess skin. I hate it so much and everyone knows it.
I will try your techniques. He always tells me he knows me inside and out, every fiber of my soul, and he does. He knows how to make me cry with a simple sentence or to make me feel loved with a simple touch. I am hoping by DB AND 180 he can see that OH I guess I dont know her as much as I thought.
Yes I have some idea of when he has a bad day at work. Thats the problem though he NEVER would talk about work. It made me feel left out. Until his friends would tell me about one guy killing himself, one guy throwing poo at them and threating to hunt down and kill their families, etcetc. He says he wants to protect me from behming worried about him and thats why he never tells me the bad.
I have always been a stay at home mom. I have only had one job before him and it was for like 6 months summer job. I have never had a bank account. Everything was in his name since he has bought, and paid for everything in mine and the kids life. Everything. We figured when I got a job that we would put my name on the account and bills.
He always gave me his debit card and I would always have access to moneynso it wasnt a big deal to me. Being separated now though I need to ask for money and he will take it out and bring me it. I dont have the debit card anymore and I had feeling like this.
Even separated now he will give me money to go out with my friends if i want to go out. For his cousins bachelorette party he gave me 100$ to buy a dress and pay for dinner and drinks out. He still takes care of me and makes sure that I am okay.
He wanted me to be able to be a stay at home mom, have that time with the kids, love them and be there for them like his mom got to be and then work when they go to elementary school.
I am now trting to find a job. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS BEING 24 with NO EXPERIENCE. I have applied to over 140 Jobs on my job website and nothing still.
Yes I have faith. I started teying to go to church more. I started trying to read my bible more and know that there is a plan for everyone. You only get what you can handle in life so as long as I'm not physically dying that somehow I will make it out of here alive.
Having to write this out made me cry. REALLY cry and open my eyes to things. I DONT KNOW WHY I AM CRYING.
I really adore you pink. I dont know you but you are making me see and question and think and help me.
