If I choose to want complete Reconciliation, I'm going to have to acknowledge to my W that what I did was just as bad as what she has done. That's really difficult for me - my heart was never with the computer, but to my W, my heart was never with her. Her heart is still with OM.
In these situations where there is disagreement, I have been learning recently about how helpful it is to remember the difference between agreement and validation. Your W probably doesn't need you to agree with her that what you did was just as bad as what she has done. I'm betting she just needs you to validate the fact that her upset feelings about this are very real for her. If she brings it up, respond by saying something to that extent, show that you care about the hurtful experience she went through when she learned about your addiction. You can do that without actually agreeing with her that it was just as bad as what she has done. Don't even mention anything about what she has done. Just respond by validating her and leave it at that. If you want her to validate you, don't even go there. Validate yourself. As long as she still has strong feelings about it, just keep validating her. When she continually sees that you really do understand and care about how she feels, and mean it, it may gradually make it easier for her to forgive you.
It really doesn't matter which sin is worse than the other, IMO. If the conversation gets into a comparison then I would just withdraw and avoid going there entirely.
Me: 39 W: 36 M: 8 yrs T: 10 yrs S: 7 W started coming out with the truth: 9/26/15 W finished coming out with the truth: 11/12/15 W started sleeping in guest BR: 11/13/2015
