What the heck is this?

[2Times2Many]

Just journaling. Kind of long.

We had an incident in the office today where I was expecting H to react in the same way he has for some time now and I went on the offensive out of habit (at this point). We resolved it quickly and went on about our business. An hour or so later H came to me and apologized even though I was the one who owed him an apology and I told him so. I didn't say this, but I had reacted to the MLC H and he wasn't being that guy. Still, it was a complete role reversal. I am usually the one apologizing ... even when I don't need to ... and he was apologizing to me!

Went to dinner tonight with H and assistant. I'm beginning to think, based on comments that assistant makes, that she thinks H has lost his marbles too. (She's around him a lot. How could she not notice??) She actually defended me a couple of times.

H was talking about a trip he wants to take to an unsettled part of the world and I expressed concern about it and jokingly asked that he take out a lot of travelers insurance. He got defensive, apparently because he thought I was trying to control what he did, and I explained calmly that if he wanted to go there that it was his choice, but I was concerned for his safety and why. Assistant followed me up with, "She has a point." H dropped it at that point.

I told assistant in the ladies room (fully expecting that what I said would be repeated to H) that I wished H understood that I have no desire to dictate what he does or where he goes but I was concerned about his safety .... that I had no desire to be a widow.

At a later point I was talking about an upcoming trip I'd like to take and jokingly said that if we skyped while I was there I could call it an owner's meeting and charge it to the company. He knows full well that I was joking and would never do something like that. At first he laughed, then after a couple of minutes he got kind of belligerent and said that he would be okay with that if he could take a trip anywhere at whatever cost and do the same. I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. I was joking and he knew it but it was obvious he wasn't and that he saw a way to take a free trip on the business and was looking for me to agree with him. I didn't, of course. I just didn't respond and shut down. I probably could have handled that better.

I am going to have to be more careful with my joking. I know he knows I'm joking but it's like he sees an opening to convince me that my joke isn't such a bad idea ... if he sees a benefit to him.

He dropped a couple of hints about potential plans for the upcoming weekend ... I wasn't quite sure what he was expecting from me, but I just listened and didn't really comment about his plans one way or another and most definitely did not give him any notion that I wanted to come along. He did ask when it would be convenient to come by the house to take care of some tax stuff. I told him I didn't have any concrete plans at the moment, but to let me know when and I'd make sure I was home unless something changed before then.

On a positive note, he made quite a few comments tonight (while talking to assistant) that were disparaging to the locale he's living in. I find that positive because all I've heard for some time now is how happy he is there. Assistant also said (a few days ago) that he didn't want to live there (long term). I am pretty certain that he is not happy there but is not ready (at least from what I see) to come home. Based on his comments he is thinking there is some other part of the world to live where he will be happy. It's so sad to watch and it's frustrating because he will say he knows that happiness comes from within, yet he's still looking outside.

I could be way off base, but I think I am beginning to see flashes of the old H. In the incident in the office, he was behaving as he would have pre-MLC and I was the one reacting to the MLC H. And apologizing when he wasn't in the wrong just to smooth things over? That's not MLC H.

While driving to the restaurant he was singing along with the radio. He used to do that all the time (and sings pretty good), but I haven't heard him do that in years. I even mentioned a while ago that he never sang along anymore and that I had always enjoyed listening to him. It was kind of nice to see (or hear).

He's just kind of all over the place. One minute he's the MLC guy who is going to do what he wants, when he wants, the way he wants and the rest of the world be damned. And then the next, he's the guy I used to know ... kind, considerate, laid back, calm. His texts of late have been from that kind, considerate, kind of needy guy. But while he's been here, I've seen both sides.

It's actually kind of weird. It's as though he can be the old H in texts from long distance, but when he's here he bounces back and forth. Maybe it's me?? Maybe I respond differently in person?? But it is really hard ... almost impossible ... to be that kind, happy, calm person I want to be with assistant always under foot.

I just keep telling myself ... smile, be pleasant and keep standing still. His journey isn't done and regardless of where it leads, you will be ok. I tell myself (and this may sound sort of cruel), just sit back and watch the show. You are like an understudy that is standing backstage watching what it is going on onstage. You are not the director or the choreographer, you are just an observer. If you can maintain your composure, if you can persevere and endure standing in the shadows for a while, the day will come when you will be asked to step onto the stage and become a part of a great production.