Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

At IC session yesterday, I explained the latest about my confusion regarding my need to be understood causing me to come across as controlling. The IC came to the exact same conclusion as me. That I really am being misunderstood, but my undeveloped ability to self-validate leads me to keep trying to explain myself better, and to some people this comes across as controlling. It was nice to be understood by the IC, it relieved some of the inner panic and confusion. She gave me some tips on self-validation.

MC session was today. I had previously told my W that I wasn't comfortable continuing to hang out in limbo while she was still contacting the OM, past the end of January. Last Thursday my W asked for a few more days to think about it. So today was the day when I was prepared to say "I'm done" if she still wasn't ready to go NC. I had no idea what to expect, but I was prepared for the worst. To my surprise, she came out and said that she had decided that she wants to go NC for herself. Not because of any pressure from me, but because she wants to do the right thing from her own inner compass. She said that the conversation earlier this week helped her realize how the dynamic between us was triggering her childhood memories of feeling controlled by her parents. She said it's different now, that the desire to go NC is coming from herself instead of as a reaction to feeling pressure from the MC or from me. She said she wants the expectation to be clear that there's still no guarantee about the outcome. I agreed completely, that the NC was only a first step, to create a safe place where we can continue to work on our issues independently as well as together to see what we can learn when all distractions are removed.

We also talked about the dynamic with my need for validation being misinterpreted as controlling when that's not my intention. The MC gave my W some tips on how validating me isn't the same as agreeing with me, and will actually make me back off from over-explaining myself. She gave me the advice to notice her response and stop to self validate when I notice her getting triggered.