B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[RosaLinda]

Sorry for not checking in recently B. Sorry that you have been in a funk, having a couple of rough weeks; this stuff is SO hard.

As difficult as it is for someone who loves his spouse as you do to understand, I think that Sandi and Fogg are right. Your wife is not doing what she is doing to hurt you, or to hurt your kids. You are sort of collateral damage. She might regret your pain a bit, but the most important thing in the world to her right now is her own happiness. Not you, not your kids; all she can see is that she is unhappy and wants to feel better, and is going to try different stuff out to see if it helps her. Some wayward spouses have affairs, some spend money like crazy, some move far away from their friends and family. I know it probably doesn't help to be told that she is not intentionally hurting you, but it's true.

You sound so depressed. I'm glad your phone conversation made you feel a little better, and that you were able to get all that off your chest, but am equally glad that you realize that her words are meaningless unless and until her actions back them up. And you do not see that happening yet.

But to answer your question, if she DOES call, let her talk. Listen. Validate her feelings. Keep calm, don't get angry. That's interesting what you said about feeling differently when you had your phone on record - do that if it helps you to feel calmer and more in control.

The ball is in her court. I have a life to live, whatever that life ends up being I still don't know.

None of us know where we will end up, B. I DBed for five frigging years, CERTAIN that my ex would wake up and realize that he had made a terrible mistake, but it did not happen, and I would not take him back now for a kazillion dollars. But the lessons I learned from my counselors and on this forum helped me so much. I learned that I am the only one who can make me happy, and I am truly happy. I learned that I am a codependent enabler, and am working on that (although it's hard to break the habit with my kids). I learned that love is a choice that we make every day. I learned that I am a woman of worth, who is worthy of kindness, honesty and loyalty. All that took me a long time, hopefully you will learn all these life lessons sooner than it took me.

But we all go thru this and come thru this in our own time. Me and my ex. You and your wife. I hope to God that she wakes up and realizes what is good and right and honorable, and what is best for you and for your family. Following this process is your best chance for it to happen. And if it does, I will be so thrilled for you. And if it doesn't, well, you will be just fine.