Just a small word from the shack-up queen here...(sorry, I feel like I am shacking up with my H!!!) Everything you guys are dicussing/mulling over/etc has struck a HUGE chord in me...so you were right there, Pam. Also an interesting point to consider...the people here on the BB made me feel like I had an authentic, warm, and valuable personality to offer...something I hadn't felt with my H in quite a while. I felt like a success as a person! The people here on the BB I was hanging around with (Betsey, Pam, Meredith and others) are all really good at validation and affirmation, and I soak that stuff up like a sponge! But when H came home, he was really scared, and unsure of his feelings for me and our M, and he wasn't in a place to stroke me all the time.
But I forgot that I had a lot more knowledge on how to do this piecing stuff than he did. And with greater knowledge comes greater responsibility. I have been Piecing for a while now, but he really just started!
This post is getting kind of rambly...oh, well. Bottom line for me is: I miss my H incredibly when he isn't around. I love who he is, while at the same time recognizing that there are things he needs to work through, but until he does, I can learn all I can so I am able to view his quirks and foibles with compassion instead of irritation. My H has ADD (and is finally starting to learn all about that), some pretty serious self-esteem issues, and maybe even a touch of depression. The world looks pretty scary to him most of the time! He confessed to me last night that this sitch between me and him is really stressing him out.
Guess what! It isn't stressing me out. I am working very hard to do what Pam described - "just be." For this 24 hours, I still live in the same house I always did; I still sleep in the same king-size bed (surprisingly with my H most of the time). Right now, I am still his wife. I am really trying not to speculate about tomorrow, or any of the days after that. I am focusing still on peeling back each previously hidden layer of myself (like an onion!) and poking around at what's inside. My life is about learning the lessons I am given, and I am damn sure doing my best!
I don't even remember what my point was - this post probably makes very little sense, but oh, well! I guess the point is that I am beginning to know that I will be okay - no matter what bomb is dropped, no matter who walks into my life or out of it...I am building myself as a woman, and if I can say, like Betsey, that I have become something new and even better, I will consider myself a success. Hugs, Myrrh
P.S. Mer - I am still working on that e-mail!
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Thanks so much for your thought provoking posts. They have been good reading for me, making sure that I have dotted every i and crossed every t before I do anything.
I'm finding the place that I am as acceptance.
But let me say for the record that I haven't completely given up the ship. Let me briefly explain.
I took D10 to Tenebrae last night. D7 woke up at 4 am yesterday, so I was beyond fatigued and emotions were in the tank. (Thanks Hud, for being my e-mail PMA.) Tenebrae is a service... the word is Latin for Shadows. There are 7 movements of the "show", each modifying a shadow of Our Lord's path to death. At the end of each movement, the church lights dim, and one of the 7 candles on the altar are extinguished. By the time the last candle is extinguished, the lights in the church are out and the flood is on the crucifix. It's a tear jerker, for sure.
I bawled pretty much the entire way through it. My surrogate mom held on to me closely (with D10 skipping ahead with her H). She seemed worried that I looked like I was falling apart. I WAS a wreck, but it was more along the lines of suffering than fear.
I really think that by this time next year, I will be a divorced mom to 2 little girls. But true to my Catholicism, Christianity and soul, I will remain obedient to God. That is, I will listen closely to what He is trying to tell me and what needs to happen in my M to Mr. Wonderful.
Fourteen years ago, I never imagined myself in the spot I'm in. I'm sure none of us here has. However, there are so many great people here who have blazed this path and given us back our dignity and souls intact. If that is my ultimate path, I hope to learn from each and every one of you who has traveled it before me. It won't be in vain.
Mr. Wonderful came over about an hour ago to pick up D10. I looked closely at his expression toward me, and I shouldn't have been shocked to see such glaring neutrality. If anything, I know we will be friends after this is over. That has to be good for our children.
And as I told D10 last night while watching the last period of the Avs game (do I hear a GO AVS?)... I have so much to be thankful for in regards to being married to her dad. He gave me a life where I was able to learn self esteem. He taught me how to be a better parent. He was far more patient in our M than I ever was. And he gave me the best presents I've ever received: 2 of the greatest kids on the planet.
This path will always be one of blessings. What lies ahead is unknown, but I'll do whatever it takes to have made the past journey worthwhile.
On that note, this thread is about dead. I am really needing a break from the BB, but realized yesterday that I don't want to do that cold turkey. As many of you can guess, I have been really missing Meredith and Pam lately. Their lives have forced them to devote their energy to the priorities that have surfaced.
However, I asked them if they would be interested in sharing a joint thread--and promising to keep things alive between ourselves and you guys. We probably won't devote much time to talking about things at home, but more on the lessons we've learned along the way.
So I give you this link to our new home--we're all roomies now. Now we need 3 guys to do the same thing, and we'll have our own version of BB Friends!
As I have seen the unfortunate end to the Hurting_Lots/Mulligan relationship, I decided that I won't keep nagging thoughts to myself anymore. There were so many things that I wanted to say to HL, but I didn't
Merridith is correct. We didn't listen and would not have.
I know you still communicate with hurting_lots and yes she is at it again. She has a new boyfriend. So even though she can not see what she is doing, I can. She is relationship hopping!! She swears she is not but actions speak louder than words. Less than two weeks after breaking up she is dating again. She calls it moving on. Something is wrong here. Hopefully somebody can talk some sense into her.
So yes you are correct in what your thoughts were when she and I got together. And those thoughts are still valid for her current relationship.
